Journal

March 1999

We will listen! 1-800-351-1001

Articles:

Infidelity: The End of a Marriage

Grace Places

Is the Bedroom a Safe Place?

The Joy of Gift Planning When It's All in the Family

Healthy Couples: Healthy Families

Infidelity: The End of a Marriage?
by Jennifer Baker

Is infidelity always the end of a marriage? Should it be? Some people think so. It’s not uncommon to hear statements like, “If my wife ever did that to me, she would be out the door so fast it would make her head spin.” And yet, when an affair actually happens, often just the opposite occurs. Fear over the imminent break-up of the marriage prompts the betrayed partner to work even harder to keep things together. Although friends and family may brand the wounded spouse as foolish and urge him or her to “get on with your life,” the bond to the marital partner is so strong the wounded spouse will go to great lengths to wait out the partner’s indiscretion and win him or her back.

Is this approach realistic? Does it work? Since Scripture says adultery is acceptable grounds for divorce, what should the church’s position be? How should church leaders respond to hurting spouses who long for their marriages to be restored? While an article of this length cannot cover all the nuances of infidelity, it will attempt to lay out some fundamental information about affairs and offer guidance to those working with couples and families.

Research by Dr. Barbara Matthews indicates that only one in 20 adulterous relationships is viable for more than 18 months; and in four out of five cases, the offending husband will ultimately want his wife back. Retrouvaille, a peer ministry group that began in the Catholic church, is built on this premise. Retrouvaille, which means “the rediscovery of love and friendship,” uses couples who have been through serious marital troubles to help other couples in crisis gain hope that they, too, can survive an affair and even fall in love with each other again.

In his book, Broken Promises (Word, 1992), Henry Virkler offers some helpful suggestions for the faithful marriage partner:

§ Realize an affair doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage.

§ Take time before you take action. Affairs often self-destruct. 

§ Commit yourself to learn, not to leave. 

§ Remember that the greatest strength you have in holding your spouse is your love.

§ If your spouse is not sure if he wants to end the affair, ask if he is willing to suspend the other relationship for a period of time during which you both will work on the marriage.

§ Be willing to look at your own possible contribution to the affair.

For the offending marriage partner, Virkler suggests:

§ Seek help from a Christian counselor or pastor specifically trained in helping couples work through the trauma of an affair. 

§ Learn to understand the difference between infatuation and committed love, and the difference between infatuation and the results of a neglected marriage.

§ Look realistically at the cost of divorce—for yourself, for your spouse and for your entire family.

§ Remember God’s desire is to forgive our sins and to heal our relationships. If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

Affairs occur for a number of reasons. Some happen in the workplace where two people work together for extended periods of time alone. Klinebell and Klinebell report that the office affair often builds from a kind of intellectual intimacy. Some affairs start out as friendships that eventually cross the line. Others occur in midlife, when both men and women are confronting the issues of aging and loss. Affairs can occur because one marriage partner consistently fails to meet the needs of the other in some important area. And affairs also occur because one partner is so submissive that she or he fails to establish appropriate boundaries for faithfulness and respect.

In the face of such varied and complex causes for adulterous relationships, what positive preventative measures can the church take?

§ Offer regular programs for strengthening marriages. Encourage couples of all ages to attend. Older couples can often be positive role modes for younger ones. (See “Healthy Couples: Healthy Families” on page 5.)

§ Help couples learn to build and maintain intimacy through good communication and conflict resolution skills. 

§ Make couples aware of behaviors that put them in jeopardy of infidelity. Two excellent resources are Running the Red Lights by Charles Mylander and Snare by Lois Rabey. 

§ Make it safe for couples with troubled marriages to get help and, once they have been helped, to help others.

Jennifer Baker is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Springfield, Missouri, and director of Cornerstone Counseling and The Center for Marriage, Parent and Couple Education, working closely with churches to help them in family and caring ministries. 

Back to Top

Grace Places
by David J. Ludwig

“Ooooohhhhhh,” came the wailing cry from the drunk mouth of Sabrina. It seemed to come from the deepest part of her soul. She was only 19 years old, but as memories of the previous night flooded her mind, she felt like her life was over. 

Three years ago, Sabrina had been very much in love. She just knew this man was “the right one.” But after becoming sexually involved with him, things seemed to change. He no longer looked at her in the longing way he did before. She had lost her mystery, her magic in his eyes. Their fights became more frequent, until the relationship finally blew apart. 

Devastated, Sabrina did not know what to do with her feelings. She had given herself totally but ended up feeling miserable and worthless. Vulnerable, she got sexually involved with three more men in quick succession. Each relationship promised so much but ended in the familiar arguments and hurt. That’s what led to Sabrina’s previous evening in a bar and spending the night with someone she did not know. A fresh wave of revulsion hit her as she pictured the scene. She felt like a whore. 

Is there hope for Sabrina? The shame is real; she has lost her chastity. There is no purity—only degradation and shame. But God’s grace is awesome! God can heal Sabrina’s heart. Through Christ, she can be chaste again! The blood of Christ washes clean—this purity is so real that special and precious feelings can come back inside.

I witnessed this transformation in Sabrina. I saw her go from someone who could not look me in the eyes to someone who radiated strength and wholeness. Her first counseling sessions were spent in tears, often filled with self-loathing and hopelessness. At one point, her pain was so great we went before a church altar, using the rite of confession and forgiveness. As I put my hand on her shoulder and, with tears in my own eyes, announced the grace of God to her, it was like a dam burst. She sobbed uncontrollably for a few minutes. Then with a brightness in her eyes I had not seen before, she looked straight at me and smiled. She did not have to say anything. Deep inside—in her heart—God had removed her shame and she felt pure again!

God’s presence breaks the shame of our sin. His grace purifies our souls. He gives hope and a new life. That is as real as it gets!

David J. Ludwig, Ph.D., is professor of psychology at Lenoir-Rhyne College in Hickory, North Carolina.

Back to Top

Is the Bedroom a Safe Place?

Probably not! The most dangerous place for a woman is in her home and specifically in her bedroom. Perhaps this is shocking, but the fact is confirmed year in and year out. Twenty years ago not much was written about domestic violence. Now the FBI Uniformed Crime Report tells us that every 15 seconds a woman is beaten by her husband or boyfriend. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that 50 percent of all women will experience physical violence in intimate relationships, and for 30 percent of them the battering will be regular and ongoing. 

The Family Connection 800-telephone line receives a significant number of calls from Lutheran families dealing with domestic violence. Often, these conflicts occur in the bedroom. This is the one room in the home where a husband and wife should be able to retreat and recover from the stresses of today’s anxious world, but it is now a war zone. The bedroom is ideally the place to receive nurture, compassion and love, but too frequently it is a place of exploitation and abuse. 

As church leaders, we cannot look the other way. We may feel reluctant to ask couples about how they communicate in the bedroom. We may fear our questions are improper or intrusive. However, if we are going to help families build Christ-centered relationships, we must garner the courage to ask. And if we want to help couples find the Biblical support they need to cope with stress, tension and despair, we must be ready to respond when things don’t look good in the bedroom. 

How can we do this? First, we pray for God’s guidance. Then, we learn about the causes of violence and how to respond. Many Christian workshops on domestic violence are available. For example, the Center for Urban Education at Concordia College, Bronxville, New York, offers workshops designed to heighten awareness and sensitivity to this issue and to equip church workers with basic information and skills needed to respond to victims of abuse. For more information, call 914-337-9300, ext. 2109.

We also can speak out from the pulpit about the sin of violence and how the Holy Spirit can empower couples to live out God’s intention for healthy Christian relationships. Finally, our congregations can be “safe places” for families to come and share their pain. While we listen carefully to both victim and abuser, we can share the healing, forgiving, redemptive grace of God. We hope this issue of LFA Journal will equip you to help families make the bedroom—and every room in the house—a safe place. 

—Jim Schlie, LFA Executive Director

Back to Top

The Joy of Gift Planning
When It’s All in the Family
by Lloyd Probasco

A Biblical stewardship principle states, “God’s stewards are uniquely singular, yet profoundly plural.” Esther and Jerry are good examples of that. Fifteen years ago, they invited me to visit after I presented a gift planning seminar. It didn’t take long to realize they knew precisely who they were and Whose they were. Both Esther and Jerry are God’s children. Both understand they have been entrusted by God with life’s resources and have the privilege of managing those resources for Him.

I helped Esther and Jerry put together a simple but effective plan for the disposition of their God-given assets. After my initial visit, I received a moving letter from Esther. She thanked me for including her not only in the planning process but in every concern and question. Her note inferred that a wife is rarely included in such matters. 

It is important for Jerry and Esther to be “plural.” They both recognize that all they have is a gift from God. The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world and all who live in it (Psalm 89:11). They understand that we didn’t bring anything into the world, and we can’t take anything out of it (1 Timothy 6:7). They live with an awareness of time and eternity. 

That led them to plan as wise stewards. Their planning included not only me but other trusted advisors and their children. Esther and Jerry remembered their children as Scripture teaches, If anyone doesn’t take care of his own relatives, especially his immediate family, he has denied the Christian faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). They also planned scholarships for students and support for other ministries.

Esther and Jerry have found peace and joy growing together in the Lord. Together they have managed God’s gifts. Together they have provided for loved ones and for those beyond their family circle. Esther and Jerry are “uniquely singular, yet profoundly plural.” They each brought their singular best to the table when I visited with them. Together they are profoundly plural, and many will benefit for years to come. And, Esther, thanks for the note.

Lloyd Probasco is vice president of gift planning for the Heartland Region of the LCMS Foundation, sponsor of this section of LFA Journal. The LCMS Foundation links Christians with giving opportunities. For more information, call 1-800-325-7912.

REMEMBER, 

LFA Journal is now sent to our readers on a subscription basis. Your annual subscription enables us to continue providing this important resource to those who work with families.

LFA Journal

Subscription Reply Form

* Yes, I want to support the ministry of LFA Journal. Enclosed is $10 for a one-year (6 issues) subscription.

Name 

Address 

City State Zip 

Church Phone (_____) 

Make check payable to: Lutheran Family Association. 

Mail to: Lutheran Family Association, 3558 S. Jefferson Ave. St. Louis, MO 63118

Back to Top

Healthy Couples: Healthy Families
by Jeff Meyers

Healthy couples create healthy families; healthy families create healthy children. At Christ Lutheran Church in Overland Park/Lenexa, Kansas, we believe that as the couple goes, so goes the family. In our Strategic Family Ministry, which was created to build strong families, we focus specifically on the couple.

Strategic Family Ministry is built around two key principles: 1) the importance of our relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and 2) the importance of the husband-wife relationship. What’s “strategic” about it is that we’ve set up a mentor couple-based process at key transition points in family life and at crisis points in people’s lives and relationships.

What is a mentor couple?

Mentor couples provide a one-on-one or couple-to-couple relationship that walks alongside of another couple. No, we do not look for “perfect” marriages; we look for people who care. There are three kinds of mentor couples. One is a seasoned couple, with a strong, happy marriage, that has learned what it takes to build a good home. These mentors help with marriage preparation. The second type of mentor couple is one whose marriage has been to the brink of breaking apart and has successfully grown back together to make the marriage strong. These mentors help with our marriage-saving team. The final type is any couple who wants to impact youth, and these mentors provide valuable education for parents and teens.

Mentor couples receive 50 hours of training as well as on-going support. Our mentor team was founded on prayer and commits to meeting monthly to pray for the ministry, the mentor couples and the couples they see.

What do mentors say about their experiences? 

Rhonda and Dave DeFreece, our lead mentor couple, say, “We have found that we can dedicate more time to mentoring than other areas of church involvement, because it is a ministry that pulls us together. In fact, the highlight of mentoring is that we work together and support each other.”

Rod and Norma Weiss, who lead our marriage preparation team say, “Mentoring has made us examine our own relationship. We enjoy having couples into our home. And we want our daughters to know what we are doing, because it shows we take marriage seriously.”

Kevin and Julie Steuber, who lead our marriage-saving team speak straight from the heart, “For the past ten years, we wondered why we have been through all the trials our marriage has faced. Now it has all come together in mentoring. God has turned a terrible problem into a priceless gem.”

How do mentored couples respond?

One couple preparing for marriage said, “We spent time dealing with real life situations, learning from a success story. We feel valued and are thankful for the interest shown in us.”

And a couple in the marriage-saving program said, “We had a good experience with our marriage-saving couple. It really helped to hear our mentor couple’s similar experiences in their marriage. We now feel we have a good base of knowledge about what to do next, and we would like to continue with some follow-up sessions.”

Strategic Family Ministry is guided by this mission statement: “Together in Christ—to build, to enrich and to restore relationships.” We seek to live out that mission statement through a hands-on, tangible ministry where Jesus Christ is glorified and His people are blessed by our service.

Rev. Jeff Meyers is Director of Pastoral Care and Family Life at Christ Lutheran Church in Lenexa, Kansas.

Back to Top

Back to Top

March/April 1999

LFA Journal

Executive Director Jim Schlie 
Editor Janice Kerper Brauer
Design & Production Lois Schroeder 
Contributing Editor David Ludwig

LFA Journal is published Lutheran Family Association, a Recognized Service Organization of The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod.

Copyright 1998 Lutheran Family Association 
No part of this publication may be reproduced without prior permission from LFA.

Family Connection
3558 S. Jefferson Ave. 
St. Louis, MO 63118
Phone: 1-800-393-8918

Printed in the USA