Journal

Winter 1998

We will listen! 1-800-351-1001

Articles: 

Who Cares for the Caregivers
Burnout and Boundaries
Take Family Life Seriously (and insist that those who work for you do, too!)
Intertwined: Marriage, Family and Professional Church Workers
Not With Leftover Time
Helping Church Workers Live Away From the Edge
An Empty Pitcher Won't Do It

Bottom

Who Cares for the Caregivers?

by Jean Garton

This is a true story. Honest. A congregation had a pastor who was the envy of other churches. Parishioners spoke of him with great pride, boasting that he was "always there" for his people. And he was. If there was a youth retreat or a work project, he was there. A school fair, a meeting, shut-in or hospital calls-you name it, he was there.

One Sunday he preached a stirring sermon highlighting the family. Many parishioners showered him with glowing compliments as they left the service. But the head elder blurted out, "You're a fraud." 

The humble and devoted pastor was taken back. The man repeated, "Yes, a fraud. You just preached the best sermon we've ever had about the importance of family, but you're a terrible example in your own life."

A long conversation ensued that culminated in a meeting with the entire board of elders. They resolved that the pastor do four things:

• Take a day off that he was to keep religiously except for real emergencies. 
• Set aside a sacrosanct evening each week for special family time. 
• Attend only one evening meeting of his choice each week. 
• Share hospital and shut-in calls with other qualified members of the congregation. 

Churches do need to care for the caregivers, but we who are caregivers also need to care for ourselves. It is too easy to yield to the temptation of seeing ourselves as helpless victims. Precious years of energy and health can pass while we respond to externally-imposed deadlines and demands. We discover, too late, that we have missed our own lives.

Our "doing" in the name of the Lord can become an addiction to achievement. It often means serving on more committees, playing more political games, attending more events, always doing more and more. Meanwhile, our marriages become strained, our kids are turned off by church and our personal lives are a mess. We take ourselves too seriously, and we don't take God seriously enough. 

We are, after all, just well-meaning, stumbling saints; we need to remind ourselves and others about our humanity. It was okay for Christ to cry as He did when a friend died. It was okay for Christ to show anger as He did in the temple. It was okay for Christ to struggle with a problem as He did in the garden. It was okay for Christ to feel forsaken and abandoned as He did on the cross. So it's okay, professional church workers, to have a problem, to hurt, to be imperfect or to experience a dark night of the soul.

From my involvement in public education, business and government, I know that when it comes to working with people the church is no different from anyplace else. Some people are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Serve them anyway. Often the good we do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Those who need help may reject us if we help them. Help people anyway. Jesus experienced all of that in His own life, but He was a good carpenter-and a good caretaker-anyway.

Dr. Jean Garton, from Benton, Arkansas, is an author, radio speaker and serves on the LCMS Board of Directors.

Back to Top

Bottom

Spread the Word!

If you enjoy reading LFA Journal and would like us to send a sample issue to a colleague, just give us a call at 1-800-393-8918
 
 

Burnout and Boundaries

by David J. Ludwig

The day had been a productive one. Pastor Schmidt was in a good mood, getting ready to leave his office to visit the last three shut-ins he had on his schedule. This will finish out the month for my shut-in calls, he thought to himself. Then I will get home in time to mow the lawn before dinner.

The phone rang and his secretary buzzed, "It's Mrs. Stanton on line one." The words seemed to hang in the air. He sighed and picked up the phone. After politely listening to a non-stop, one-way conversation for about 10 minutes, he tried to break in. "Look, you just caught me leaving my office to visit some shut-ins," he began, but his voice trailed off as he was hit with another barrage of "very important" concerns.

Forty-seven minutes later, Pastor Schmidt finally managed to excuse himself and hung up the phone in a much different mood. He felt guilty about missing the shut-in visits, but he went home anyway. He was irritable and upset for the rest of the evening.

Burnout: What Causes It?

What happened? What caused the mood shift? It is obvious this pastor spent the better part of an hour expending energy for a worthless cause. He was being manipulated to give attention to the caller. The call left him upset and irritable and gave the caller little satisfaction-perhaps a "quick fix" for her needs but no lingering benefit for her problems.

Burnout is caused by forcing yourself to do things you really don't want to do. Energy is spent because of guilt or a sense of obligation, but it leaves your spirit depleted. Sure, you can function for a while on this energy, but a time will come when you no longer look forward to going to work, when you feel trapped and exhausted, when you seem depressed and irritable much of the time.

Boundaries: What Are They?

Boundaries represent a person's capacity to make decisions based on an assessment of what is best for the situation. In the case of Pastor Schmidt, he failed to make that decision and allowed the phone conversation to continue even though it was of no benefit to anyone. Since there was manipulation involved, he ended up angry, upset and frustrated. The caller, sensing no real energy from the pastor, kept trying to get his attention in desperate fashion for a full 47 minutes. She hung up also frustrated and upset.

It might be helpful to think of boundaries in a spatial fashion. Every relationship has two halves:

You have responsibility for your half of the relationship. If good boundaries are in place, you will not allow manipulation. You will check to see if responding in the way that the other person wants is best for the situation. You are always free within your space. You can choose to respond or not to respond. Therefore, when you do respond, it is done freely and with energy! Keeping boundaries intact keeps you from getting burned out.

But How Do You Set Boundaries?

Boundaries are set by the proper use of anger. When the caller wanted more of Pastor Schmidt's time, the proper response would have been anger-based, not obligation-based. The response he made represented energy flowing inward. His voice was passive and his affect was flat. He sighed but kept on responding. He felt trapped and allowed the situation to drain his energy. He allowed the caller to invade his "space," and he felt powerless to stop the situation.

An anger-based response represents energy flowing outward. As Pastor Schmidt felt the caller pushing to talk to him right then (thus pushing at his boundary), a flash of anger would have been appropriate. "Just a moment," he could have responded. "Is this an emergency?" That would have given the caller a chance to explain that she just needed him to understand something. His next response could have been, "I know this is upsetting to you, but I am on my way to visit shut-ins right at the moment. Please call back tomorrow at 10:00 a.m., and I will take time to listen to you then." 

You see that the flash of anger is nothing more than shifting the flow of energy from passive to active, confronting the situation so that your needs are also expressed. Instead of passively listening and resenting the intrusion, Pastor Schmidt could have reset his boundaries and postponed the call until he had the energy to deal with it. Then when the call came the next day, his boundaries would still be in place. A 10-minute conversation with the pastor actively responding would prove more appropriate and more effective than a 47-minute call the day before!

The Role of the Heart 

in Setting 

Take a look at the Reconnection Model. As a professional church worker, you also have a sinful nature. You will build up resentment and become reactive to various members. You will be hesitant to confront when needed because you have some anxiety over conflict or over being liked. As you live in the bottom half of the model, your boundaries will not be appropriate. You can easily disguise your feelings and allow members to make you feel obligated, then talk about them to others when the anger builds up or withdraw and cut them out of your life when the resentment builds up enough.

Here is where your faith comes in. Look at the upper part of the model. At any moment, Christ's presence within your heart through faith can help. As you connect your eyes and your voice to your heart, you can overcome your passivity and reactivity. You can look at the situation and respond appropriately. Christ gives you the strength and freedom to do this! Then your "yes" can mean "yes" and your "no" can mean "no" (see Matthew 5:37) as you "speak the truth" in a "spirit of love" (Ephesians 4:15).

Back to Top

Bottom

Take Family Life Seriously...

and insist that those who work for you do, too!

by Jill Hasstedt

Family ministry is a rapidly expanding field in churches today. I often receive letters describing (in glowing terms) a family ministry position and asking permission to place my name on a call list.

Not long ago one arrived that included a note from the pastor. He shared the exciting possibilities for ministry and praised his hard-working staff. He also said the position would require a 60-hour-a-week commitment.

I cringed. I knew I needed to reply in a way that would witness to some strongly held beliefs I have about family ministry and the professionals who work in this area. So I prayed, and I responded. Here's what I wrote, in part:

Dear Pastor,

It's really not fair sending me a letter about your Minister of Youth and Children position and telling me about 350 days of sunshine where you are while I'm in the midst of a gloomy, snowy winter. I cry foul! (Smile.) 

For several years, I have had a growing commitment to a family approach to ministry. Vibrant youth and children's ministry is vital but ultimately not as important as what happens in homes. Adults often think that church is "a place I drop off my children to get religious training." Actually, the home is where evangelism begins. 

I've found in my ministry to "old" and "new" Christians alike that somewhere this God-given plan for building strong foundations was lost. I'm convinced new delivery systems need to communicate that vision and empower people to be religious leaders, educators and disciplers in their homes and communities.

There is a substantial body of research supporting this. The church used to depend on families as a foundation for strength from which to launch the Great Commission. This has changed. Today many people are coming to the church for help in building strong families. We need to be evangelizing from within and without at the same time. 

I'm not sure this approach is what you have in mind. If all you want is great programming for children and youth, there are others who can do that as well as I. It's part of my vision for ministry but not the focus.

I'm also concerned about the 60 hours per week. In reality, I already work those hours as often as not, but it's not an expectation, and I question whether it should be. Many ministries have fallen because the leaders did not attend to their personal or family health. As a teen, I watched Willow Creek Community Church grow in my own backyard in the Chicago area. I also watched its leaders' marriages and family lives fall apart. I have seen the same story repeated in our own denomination. I believe in the vision but not the cost. Any church seeking to build a comprehensive ministry to children, youth and families must model family-friendly policies for its own workers. 

Marion Wright Edelman, founder and president of the Children's Defense Fund, wrote a list of 25 lessons for life for her own children. Included in her list was, "Take parenting and family life seriously, and insist that those you work for and who represent you do." 

I work very hard to keep my hours down to 50 per week. It's a challenge, but it's an important model, too. The question really is this: Do I want to encourage other moms and dads, husbands and wives, to put in the kind of hours I do? And what would happen to their families if they did? 

I encourage churches to have a ministerial health committee that tries to discourage the natural workaholic tendency of almost every church worker I know, including me. Sometimes less is more. 

Oops! My passion is obvious. I share it at every opportunity. May you serve with the energy and joy that comes from the Spirit!

Jill Hasstedt is Director of Youth and Family Ministry at Zion Lutheran Church in Belleville, Illinois.

Back to Top

Bottom

Intertwined:

Marriage, Family and Professional Church Workers

by Bruce M. Hartung

Headlines scream the possible truth: "A Nation of Pastors at Risk" (Ministry Advantage, Sept./Oct. 1993, p.3). The risks are in areas of stress/burnout, income/finances and marriage/family, according to article author H.B. London.

The four top problems in clergy marriages are "81 percent insufficient time together, 71 percent use of money, 70 percent income level and 64 percent communication difficulties" (Leadership, Fall 1992). Additionally, 80 percent of pastors "believed that pastoral ministry affected their families negatively" (Fuller Theological Seminary study, 1991). What's more, 33 percent of pastors "are dissatisfied with the level of sexual intimacy in their marriage, and pastors report that 16 percent of their spouses are dissatisfied, which 69 percent blame on their spouse's schedule and 35 percent on frequent night church meetings" (Leadership, Fall 1992).

If all this is true for clergy, it is most certainly true for other church workers. What can we do to give such obviously needed attention to our church workers and their marital and family relationships?

An important first step is to recognize that all of life is intertwined. It's not a good thing to separate issues of vocation from issues of family, for instance. One area of a person's life affects all the others. There's nothing to be gained by pitting family against vocation, time for teaching against time for family, attention to children against time spent with one's spouse. Viewing all areas as intertwined contributes to a fuller understanding of human and relational wholeness.

For instance, George Everly's "Self-Report Checklist" (A Clinical Guide to the Treatment of the Human Stress Response, Plenum Press, 1989) lists feeling "that you have a supportive family" and practicing "time-management techniques in your daily life" as major health-promoting coping strategies. Peter Hanson's "Scale of Stress Reduction" assigns "unstable home" 100 of 550 possible negative points in determining stresses and gives "stable home" 100 of 550 possible positive points in determining stress resistance. In fact, on Hanson's scale, family stability issues influence stress resistance more than any other single factor (The Joy of Stress, Andrews McMeel and Parker: a Universal Press Syndicate Co.).

A second step we can take is to have places in our schools, churches or agencies where professional church workers can give attention to overall life issues. It's not enough just to inquire, "How's it going with your ministry?" It's equally not enough just to inquire, "How's it going with your spouse and children?" If the health of our professional church workers is important and if all of life is intertwined, then all areas of life are worthy of supportive conversations with those who serve us in the church.

Consider the following items for conversation in a parish, Christian school or agency:

• worker time "on duty" is expected to be no more than 50 hours per week, with most weeks less than that 
• job descriptions are contemporary, specific and revised regularly 
• sick leave can be used for home care of ill children 
• the workplace is smoke-free 
• continuing education scholarships are given to cover (in full or in part) marriage-enrichment seminars and retreats 
• care committees are formed to be an advocate for church workers, their marriages and family health and to provide the type of support that helps church workers move toward health and wellness 
• gossiping about workers' characteristics is not acceptable behavior within the body of Christ; talking with them in a caring, conversational problem-solving way is expected 

Rev. Bruce M. Hartung, Ph.D, is executive director for the LCMS Commission on Ministerial Growth and Support. 

Back to Top

Bottom

Not With Leftover Time

by Ben J. Freudenburg

We can't be teachers of the faith at home with leftover time. As a husband, father and professional church worker, I've learned that. It's not that I couldn't pull it off-a quick family devotion, bedtime prayers on the run, a hasty "thank you, God" after dinner or, better yet, the excuse that they hear me at church all the time.

Why not minimize teaching the faith at home for the sake of my ministry at church? Because family members-especially my children-can read me like a book. And to them last minute means it doesn't count. My family sees I have time for church meetings and fellowships, prayer breakfasts and youth activities not to mention visiting the sick, helping those in need, and writing and preparing talks and classes. 

If I have time for all that, I must have priority time for teaching the faith at home. That means I may have to give up something else in my schedule. Scary thought! To be an effective teacher of the faith means being home with my family, listening to their stories, finding out what they are concerned about. It also means being available to answer the big questions life often presents and to share God's wisdom at just the right time. My family also needs to see me reading Scripture, praying and serving others-such as offering to help a daughter whose room is a mess because of her own busy schedule!

Our homes are more than dwelling places; they are proclaiming places. They are places where we can teach about Jesus and His ways by living our faith. None of this can happen with leftover time.

If the home is the primary agency for faith formation and if the church's role is to partner with the home to assist in that process, it's vital that church leaders give their own families the time and energy they deserve. Let's help each other see the value of teaching the faith at home with priority time. I never did like leftovers anyway!

Ben. J. Freudenburg is Minister to the Christian Home at Concordia Lutheran Church, Kirkwood, Missouri. 

Portions of this article appeared in the January/ February 1998 issue of Vital Ministry, Group Publishing, Loveland, Colorado. Used with permission.

Back to Top

Bottom

Helping Church Workers Live Away from The Edge

by Ronald E. Nelson

Economists tell us that many families are just one or two paychecks away from bankruptcy. And as we look around, we can imagine that many of the families in our churches are in that same danger.

The problem happens when there is no developmental plan for lifestyle management. It would be hard to imagine any family just letting children grow up with no intentional care, guidance or nurture, yet when it comes to managing life's possessions of money and property, even Christians sometimes just "let things happen."

A congregation filled with such families would be disastrous. But even more disastrous is the congregation that has no intentional plan for the support and welfare of its professional workers. Such inaction allows or, in some cases, forces professional church workers into a financial corner.

Pastors are expected to preach and teach Christian stewardship principles. But research has shown that pastors who are not in control of their own personal finances find it almost impossible to motivate their people to be good stewards.

I have heard students at Christian colleges and seminaries say, "I am giving up my life for a living." They accept that they may be taking a modified vow of poverty. But poverty does not have to be the reality for Christian workers. Neither does stress over financial matters. God's grace includes not only His gift of Jesus Christ but also all of the graces of life that make Christian living a joy.

For some church workers, however, the joy that comes from managing life and its resources for God is usurped by the congregation's lack of planning. The resulting financial stress can drive church workers toward the edge. Service falters, family pressures develop, and careers and lives are shattered as a result of deficient or mismanaged resources. 

Any professional church worker who is living too close to the edge financially, whether as a result of the congregation's lack of support or the worker's own mismanagement, should be able to look to the congregation for help. In a periodic review of salaries and benefits, which every congregation owes its workers, serious discussion should take place between those given responsibility for the workers' welfare (church council, board of elders, etc.) and each worker regarding just that issue: the worker's welfare. Is there financial stress? How can a plan be developed to help? Are there alternative benefits or resources the congregation can offer to help the situation?

The church might decide to pay for credit counseling for the worker or attendance at a financial management seminar. Or perhaps the church will offer the worker mileage reimbursement or a free health club membership. Maybe the congregation will choose to seek in-kind gifts from its members. Regardless of what specific help the church offers, it is important for the congregation to recognize its responsibility in caring for its workers. Likewise, it is the responsibility of the worker to manage the resources available in a way that provides the best witness of Christian stewardship. Only then can the congregation get about the business of helping individual members with their own financial management-a service every congregation should consider.

Rev. Ronald E. Nelson is associate director of stewardship ministry for the LCMS. 

This page of LFA Journal is sponsored by the LCMS Foundation. To contact a local gift planning counselor, contact the LCMS Foundation: 1-800-325-7912. 

More information on financial planning is available from your district office or the LCMS department of stewardship as well as local AAL and LB representatives. This page of LFA Journal is sponsored by the LCMS Foundation. To contact a local gift planning counselor, contact the LCMS Foundation: 1-800-325-7912. 

More information on financial planning is available from your district office or the LCMS department of stewardship as well as local AAL and LB representatives. 

Back to Top

Bottom

An Empty Pitcher Won't Do It

by Bill Diekelman

Part of caring for others means paying attention to one's own needs. Caregivers must take care of themselves first, not only because the well-being of others depends on them, but because their lives matter, too.

This simple fact often disappears in the crush of day-to-day responsibilities. No one but you can see that you get enough sleep, enough nourishing food, enough relaxation and enough love to keep the ship of your life afloat. It is not selfish to see that your needs are met; it is taking proper responsibility for yourself. 

Taking care of yourself means different things to different people. But there are several general areas where needs must be met if one is to feel whole, well and able to cope with life's demands-particularly the demands of caregiving. These areas include: spiritual health, physical health, mental and emotional health, financial health, day-to-day coping health and something-to-look-forward-to health.

Taking care of yourself in these areas will relax you and replenish your reserves so you can be ready to care for others. While keeping yourself healthy in these ways may not relate directly to your activities as a caregiver, it can affect your ability to do the job. Remember, an empty pitcher does little to quench a person's thirst.

Caregivers must seek others whom they can talk with, pray with and be nourished by so they are in the best possible shape to help others. Sharing problems with a colleague, spiritual advisor or professional counselor can be beneficial. It's imperative to acknowledge feelings like anger over lack of control and privacy, fear, frustration and even guilt. And in doing so, we need to call on our courage-courage to avoid self-pity, to smile instead of cry, to seek healing, to face reality.

When a situation seems to be getting too heavy, a short respite can give renewed strength. Writer Arthur Gordon once said that salt water could cure anything, be it in the form of sweat, tears or the ocean. I have often found that a good workout, a walk along the beach or a good old-fashioned cry can send me back as a better helper. I look forward to quiet times that relax and refresh me. I'm also blessed with a family that has a great sense of humor. Having fun together restores me so that I am better able to face the outside world. 

Have you ever viewed the caregiving role as a positive affirmation of self and an opportunity for spiritual growth? Undergird your caregiving tasks with these key elements:

• set aside time for Scripture reading and quiet reflection

• commit yourself to obeying what you already know of God's will 

• maintain accountability to a few trustworthy friends or colleagues

• be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in prayer

Prayer calms fears that paralyze us and make us feel alone and helpless. Its transforming power redirects our lives into channels of peace. Prayer teaches us that ours is a ministry of healing and love, and that we are channels of God's compassion and mercy.

Rev. Bill Diekelman is president of the Oklahoma District of the LCMS and pastor of Faith Lutheran Church in Owasso, Oklahoma. 

Winter 1998

LFA Journal

Executive Director Jim Schlie 
Editor Janice Kerper Brauer
Design & Production Lois Schroeder 
Contributing Editor David Ludwig

LFA Journal is published Lutheran Family Association, a Recognized Service Organization of The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod.

Copyright 1998 Lutheran Family Association 
No part of this publication may be reproduced without prior permission from LFA.

Family Connection
3558 S. Jefferson Ave. 
St. Louis, MO 63118
Phone: 1-800-393-8918

Printed in the USA