Family
Connection
Winter 1998
We will listen! 1-800-351-1001
A Family Communication Checkup
Ten Things I've Learned from Listening
A Family Communication Checkup
by Larry Bogardus
Let's go! Clean your room! Did you finish your homework? Don't bother your sister! It's time to get dressed. Turn off the television. Finish your dinner.
Often this is the type of speech we hear in our homes. Children do need direction, of course, but real communication accomplishes much more than just controlling behavior. Dr. Ross Campbell, in his book How to Really Love Your Child, suggest that the primary purpose of communication is to express love to your children and to nurture them emotionally.
Dr. Campbell offers three practical, nonverbal skills that are important to good communication. Let's do a family communication checkup focusing on the three skills listed below. Although these suggestions relate to the immediate family, these skills can easily be applied to grandparents and grandchildren, to teachers and students, and to friends or coworkers.
Eye contact. Can you imagine being 3' tall and living in a 6' world? It is difficult trying to relate to someone twice your size. And adults are always occupied with other activities; it's really difficult to get their attention!
Establishing eye contact with your children tells them they are important. Rather than picking your child up to your level, sit on chairs or on the floor when talking together. And don't save eye contact for when you are angry or want to make a point. The next time your child has a question, request or even a complaint, stop for a moment, look him in the eye and give him the special attention he deserves.
Physical contact. A touch, a hug, a kiss can say more than many words. Never assume that your children receive too much attention. As they grow older, they do not outgrow their need for physical expressions of love, although how that love is expressed may change.
Boys continue to need physical contact with their dads. It may be expressed by playful wrestling or "give me five." Still, a sincere hug and an "I love you" are important for sons--and for dads.
Daughters also love and need physical contact from their fathers, especially in pre-adolescent years. It is a way to tell your daughter that you approve of her--that assurance is key to her self-image and sexual identity.
As our children were growing up, our family would get together at times for "big hugs"--a giant family embrace. Now as young adults they still join in enthusiastically.
Focused attention. Set aside your busy schedule for a few minutes and devote yourself to your child. By doing this you say, "You are the most important person in the world to me right now."
Jesus gave us an example of this when He said, Let the little children come to me.... And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them (Mark 10:14-16 NIV). Time together is better than ice cream, better than a gift under the Christmas tree, because it is the gift of yourself.
With our three children in college and separated from us by 2,000 miles, my wife and I think back and treasure all the special moments we had together as a family. When we sit in a restaurant observing families with young children, we wonder if they really appreciate the blessings of those years.
Step back from the commotion and thank the Lord for the wonderful gifts He has entrusted to you for a few short years. Your children are so special, but you already know that. Give them your best.
Eye contact, physical contact, focused attention--they not only make your words more meaningful, they also say, "I am listening. I love you. You are special to me."
Larry Bogardus has served as a Director of Christian Education and most recently as Minister to Families at St. John's Lutheran Church in Orange, California. He is presently attending Concordia Seminary in St. Louis, Missouri.
by David D. Buegler
I was sitting with a committee in our church that was discussing problems we had with our sound system. One of the problems was with the quality of the speaker boxes hanging on the wall. A Bible passage came to mind, and I blurted it out: "How can they hear without a speaker?"
Yes, it was a misquote--and in the wrong context, too! St. Paul was talking about the importance of reaching the lost, and the passage from Roman 10:14 actually says, But how can they believe in him if they have not heard his message? How can they hear if no on one tells the Good News? (God's Word).
In families, how important it is to hear. We have learned from many sources that listening is perhaps an even more important part of communication than talking. And we know all about nonverbal communication. The closer a family gets the more they are able to "hear" facial expressions, body movements and behaviors.
In a beautiful passage from Deuteronomy 6:4-7, Moses instructs the families of Israel saying, Listen, Israel: ... Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. Take to heart these words ... Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you're at home or away, when you lie down or get up.
First it's "listen," then it's "take to heart," then it's "talk about." Now isn't that a great model for good family communication? Listen to whomever is speaking .. take it to heart ... talk about it. This is an especially good model when we are telling the Good News. It's a wonderful model for Christian nurture in the home.
When I was little, my dad would take me to baseball games. He was a great baseball fan and really got vocally involved in the game. One of his favorite "Bronx cheers" to an umpire who made a bad call was, "Hey ump, were you born in the cellar and never brought up?"
Kind of a nasty thing to say, wasn't it? And yet it's even nastier when Christians never get "brought up" in the faith, never mature spiritually. That's why it is so important for us to listen to the Word of the Lord. That's why we need to take it to heart. And let's not forget the importance of talking about it--in our homes, in our cars, at the park, wherever. After all, "How can they hear without a speaker?"
Dr. David D. Buegler is pastor of St. Paul Lutheran Church in Westlake, Ohio. He also serves on the board of directors of Lutheran Family Association, Family Connection's parent organization.
Ten Things I've Learned from Listening
by Phyllis Wallace
Over the past six years, I've been privileged to host a radio talk show for Christian women. I've helped gather information and have served as a resource through interviews on topics as varied as the friendships of women, the healing power of a healthy mind, the financially confident women, and the fulfillment that only intimacy with Jesus Christ can bring.
Guests have included 4-star generals, two Miss Americas, governors, theologians, professionals, homemakers. While I have learned a great deal from talking to my guests, I've benefited most by listening. Here are some of the things I've learned from listening.
1. Prayer, even with strangers, paves the way for God to have His say. I pray with each guest before the interview, and I'm amazed how often the response is, "Thank you for praying with me. I've been interviewed many times, and no one has ever done that before." How many chances to encourage do we miss if we don't pray with others?
2. People who have shared are spared. "You're only as sick as the secrets you keep," someone said. Satan isolates us with fears of looking bad, sounding dumb, appearing unspiritual. My guests prove time and again the importance of calling on Christ and bearing one another's burdens. Tell someone the truth so you don't have to carry it alone.
3. Boldly stand on God's right side of wrong and speak His word. The blessings far outweigh the flack.
4. Forgive your parents. God didn't stick you in the wrong nest after all. Forgiving doesn't excuse wrong, but it helps you experience the relief of placing it all in God's hands.
5. Have a 5-minute conversation with at least one child every week. It will lower your stress level remarkably. Better yet, get down on the floor and play a game!
6. Ask the right questions, and you'll connect people with what really matters.
7. Respond to the reality that God first loved you. Say "yes" to His leading in your life. With God and "yes," how can you lose?
8. Choose this day whom you will serve. Follow Joshua's example to serve the Lord. What you do in secret to serve Christ will be rewarded beyond belief.
9. Never act until you've heard God out. It saves you miles and maintenance.
10. Learning a lesson from life may take longer than you want, but it never takes longer than you have.
Phyllis Wallace is host of "Woman to Woman," a nationally syndicated talk show heard on 360 stations weekly. For more information on the show or to order the "Woman to Woman" newsletter, contact Lutheran Hour Ministries, 1-800-876-9880.
"Unless the Lord builds the house ..." (Psalm 127:1)
July 31- August 2, 1998
Kalispell, Montana
Celebrate God's gift of family ... explore Glacier National Park ... attend informative workshops on marriage, conflict resolution, coping with crisis, midlife miracles, prayer, "teen talk," and more
Guest presenters include:
Rich Bimler, Wheat Ridge Ministries
Ingrid Trobisch, international author and speaker on family issues
River, nationally known Christian music group
Registration information available by calling or writing:
Trinity Lutheran Church
400 W. California
Kalispell, MT 59901
1-406-257-LOVE (5683)
Sponsored by Trinity Lutheran Church in partnership with Family Connection
by Vivian Hauser, Family Connection Staff Director
My grandson, Paul, was born with ears that are not formed properly. He is hard of hearing. He has had several surgeries to improve his hearing and will soon be fitted with hearing aids.
Paul has a favorite book called I've Got a Button in My Ear. In the story, a little girl tells her mother that at school the next day they are going to burn their sweaters. What the teacher had actually said was, "We're going to learn our letters." When my daughter asked Paul if he'd like some toast, he responded, "You see a ghost?"
Sometimes when Paul's mom especially wants his attention, she will put her hands on his cheeks, turn his head toward her and say, "Listen to me!"
How many people do you know who are dying for someone to listen, really listen, to them? Perhaps that is the cry of your own heart. May I encourage you with a promise from the best Listener of all? Before they call, I will answer. While they're still speaking, I will hear (Isaiah 65:24, God's Word).
God knows your need before you even form the words. He listens to your heart cries, both spoken and unspoken.
Family Connection would like to listen, too. We count it a privilege to be there when you call, to connect you to helpful resources, and to go with you in prayer to the One who always listens and always cares. 1-800-351-1001
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Mail to: Family Connection, 3558 S. Jefferson Ave. St. Louis, MO 63118-3969
Family Connection is
a ministry of Lutheran Family Association
Copyright 1997-1999
Contact us at luthfam@lcms.org