Family Connection

Winter 1997

We will listen! 1-800-351-1001

Table of Contents

A Prayer on a Hopeless Night
Power Connection by Janice Kerper Brauer, Editor 
Commitment??? by D. Ray Bardill 
Commitment in Marriage
Commit Your Way by Vivian Hauser, Staff Director 

Bottom 

A Prayer on a Hopeless Night

When confronted, my husband admitted he was in love with two women: me and his mistress. The pastor came to visit us, but he was of little help, at times almost supporting my husband's actions. I was devastated. Whom could I trust? To whom could I turn? My daughter was as emotionally and spiritually hurt as I was. 

One thing, one thing only, gave me hope amidst my hopelessness: my faith in Jesus Christ. I spent the entire evening crying, praying, asking, "Why me, Lord?" "Why should I stay with him?" "What's the right thing to do?" I kept thinking of the Bible passage, If any of you needs wisdom to know what you should do, you should ask God, and he will give it to you (James 1:5). 

The next few weeks we considered many options, even divorce, but I believed with God's help I could forgive my husband and he could, with God's help, overcome his sin of adultery. He could give up the "other woman." If he couldn't, what did Ephesians 1:18-20 mean when it says I pray ... that you may know ... His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of His mighty strength, which He exerted in Christ when He raised Him from the dead? 

We had always been a church-going family who genuinely loved the Lord, but we never prayed together much as a couple. After listening to some cassette tapes on marriage by Charlie Shedd, we decided we had to start praying together even though we were so separated from one another. We had to do it not only for our marriage and our family but for our own well being. We were both dying spiritually. 

The first few times were awkward, but soon it became easier. We often found ourselves crying as we prayed. We confessed things we had never admitted to each other before. We selected passages from Scripture that spoke of God's forgiveness through Jesus Christ and read them to one another. Eventually we began to hold hands as we talked to God. 

It has been seven years since I first learned of the adultery. We have moved away from where we lived, and both of us retired. Though the years have not been easy, the other woman is no longer in the picture. My husband and I are happier than we've ever been, not because of any wisdom we have but because God answered my anguished prayer that terrible night. He heard my cry for wisdom, for power, for strength. He is a wonderful God, a God who rescued our marriage, a God who rescued each of us through the life, death and resurrection of His Son. 

Due to the sensitive nature of this true story, the author wishes to remain anonymous. 

Contents | Bottom

Power Connection

"Mommy, will you always stay with me?" my four-year-old asks. "Will you always be my mommy? I mean always?" 

"Of course," I answer gladly. "I will always be your mommy, and I will always love you." 

He gives me a quick hug and runs off to play. I smile and think, how nice to be so easily reassured, so secure! He doesn't know the word commitment, but he understands it -- it means always. 

This issue of Family Connection introduces the themes of our newsletters (both Family Connection and Prayer Connection) for 1997. Drawing upon concepts in a book called The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home by Jack and Judith Balswick (Baker Book House, 1991), we're going to explore four elements of family relationships: commitment, grace, empowerment and intimacy. Commitment has unconditional love at its core. It is a covenant that is loyal and supportive even when differences or adversities arise. Grace is an underlying atmosphere of acceptance that demonstrates itself in the way we love, forgive and show consideration for each other. Empowerment is the process of helping those we love recognize and develop their unique strengths and potentials. Empowerment rejects the use of power to control others and instead serves, encourages and helps others become the people God intended them to be. Intimacy in relationships flows from the first three elements as family members learn to communicate and express themselves with honesty and love. Intimacy is that deep, satisfying sense of knowing and being known. 

As we take a closer look at commitment in this issue, Scripture provides important perspective. We can't begin to understand commitment until we grasp the enormity of God's commitment to us, which began even before He created the world! (See Ephesians 1:3-6.) Although human beings quickly muddled God's perfect plan, the Creator remained committed. From the promise that Eve's offspring would crush Satan's head, to the covenant with Abraham, to the Incarnation, to the sending of the Comforter, God is committed to His people. That's what makes it possible for us to be called children of God and to live out committed relationships (1 John 3:1, 16-18). 

I have always loved you (Jeremiah 31:3). 

I am always with you until the end of time (Matthew 28:20). 

God always leads us in victory because of Christ (2 Corinthians 2:14). 

Whatever the make-up of your family, the situations you face or the uncertainties that loom ahead, one thing is certain: Jesus is committed to you. Jesus loves you. Jesus forgives you. Jesus is with you. Hold on to Him. And even when you can't, know that He is holding on to you. Always. 

Contents | Bottom

Commitment???

Nervous laughter broke the silence and a sense of anxiety reverberated off the walls. What had I done? What had I said that made these confident, graduate students in family therapy react so surprisingly? I had only asked a simple question: "What comes to mind when you think of commitment?" 

When I reviewed the students' comments later, I understood their emotional response. For more than half the class, commitment had a fearful, constraining meaning. They used words like "a difficult process," "very hard work," "a burden," even "dread." But some saw the positives in commitment such as "you can rely on each other," "they will be there," and "it's the core of relationships." Two other themes ran through the responses: 1) commitment is a choice we make and 2) commitment is not easy in a society "with exits so readily available." 

Society pushes a throw-away mentality that advises us to get rid of anything or anyone that impedes pleasure. 

This if-I-don't-like-it-I-can-get-a-different-one thinking does not allow for the time needed to develop close, caring relationships. Modern culture also tells us we are free to do as we please. We have a "right" to do whatever feels good. Commitment is just too much work! 

Two Sides of Commitment

Many people see commitment primarily as a constraint that limits or burdens them. But there is another side to commitment. It is a choice to be dedicated to something or someone. The constraints are the "have to" side of commitment. Dedication is the "want to" side. 

In our spiritual lives, commitment may be thought of as a delicate balance between constraints (the law) and dedication (the gospel). When we hear the good news of grace, we are drawn to the love of God. Our dedication to lead a God-pleasing life develops out of the power of the gospel. In the same way, our dedication to our spouse develops out of our initial attraction to each other. As we grow in our relationship to our spouse (or other family members), we willingly choose appropriate constraints and limitations as part of our overall relationship. Commitment that is based on constraints alone will fizzle out before long. Commitment that is based on dedication can go the distance because it taps in to God's inexhaustible dedication to us. 

Commitment in the "Family"

Conflicts emerge in all close relationships -- the family at home, the church family, the work family or the community. Commitment helps us through the painful times because it carries with it the willingness to endure rough terrain, a desire to stay the course and a capacity to see beyond immediate concerns. Commitment helps us to keep a keen awareness of what is really important and to make choices primarily out of dedication and not constraints. When I stop at the nursing home each day to visit my mother, it isn't a burden or something I do because I "have to." It is part of the way I respond to God's Word, Honor your father and your mother. My commitment to Mom takes away the negatives and helps me see honoring her as a privilege. 

Commitment is not a static state we hope to reach someday. Commitment is a position toward specific aspects of our lives. It is a process that organizes and gives meaning to our thinking, feeling and doing. And the outcome of the commitment process is emotional and spiritual growth. 

To what and to whom are you committed? What is the basis of your commitment? Let God's love draw you to His will and help you make and keep your commitments. 

D. Ray Bardill, Ph.D., is a professor in the School of Social Work at Florida State University. He lives in Tallahassee, Florida, with his wife, Joyce. The Bardills have two adult daughters.

Contents | Bottom

Commitment in Marriage

Then, as the commitment-based marriage grows and matures, philia bring couples into an even deeper, intimate relationship. Philia enables them to value each other as individuals and the we-as-a-couple they are continually becoming. Communication is filled with understanding and empathy. Philia has been called the treasure at the end of the maturity process. 

Allow your marriage to grow in commitment, and you will reap rich rewards along the way. 

Contents | Bottom

Commit Your Way

My German-speaking mother embroidered it on a sampler for my bedroom and just as carefully stitched it into the fabric of my life. I memorized the English version later: Commit your way unto the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will bring it to pass (Psalm 37:5 KJV). 

I made that commitment with all my heart at confirmation -- and soon found out it had to be done again and again and again. I compromise, fail, deny, despair and try every wandering path. But notice how the subject in the verse changes -- you or I commit; He brings it to pass. He is always there, calling me to His way. Psalm 7, in Leslie Brandt's beautiful words, says Thus I must run to God in my defeats that I may learn to walk with Him in His victories (Psalms Now, CPH, 1996). 

Family Connection has made a commitment too -- to the Lord, of course, but also to you. When you need help finding the way back, we will remind you of God's commitment and tell you that He is waiting to take your hand and show you the way -- in your defeats as well as in your victories. When you call, we'll be there to listen, to pray, to send helpful resources. So, wherever you are in your life, and no matter how many times you've done it before, Commit your way unto the Lord ... and He will bring it to pass. 

Contents | Bottom

Comments 

Editor: Janice Kerper Brauer
Design and production: Lois I. Schroeder
Advisors: Debra Herman, Sandy Thompson 

Family Connection and Prayer Connection are published quarterly by
Lutheran Family Association of The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod. 

Available for bulk mailing to churches, $15 per l00, plus shipping. 

Help us help families. We need your financial support to keep this ministry growing.