Family Connection

Spring 1997

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Table of Contents

A Gift for Dad, by Ruth Gibson
Power Connection, by Marge Franzen
Everyday Grace

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A Gift for Dad
by Ruth Gibson

Murray and Marguerite Gibson divorced when my husband, Dennis, was 14. From the house they simply referred to as "605," its street address, Marguerite captained the household and raised Dennis and his three younger brothers. None of the four sons felt particularly close to the father who had skipped in and out of their lives. Murray had been a manic-depressive who drank too much and created periodic havoc, repeatedly breaking the heart and hopes of their beloved mother.

Murray and Marguerite remarried each other 25 years later, soon fought again, separated, and lived out the rest of their lives alienated from each other. In the days immediately following Murray's death, only one or two people called to offer condolences. No wake, no funeral or memorial service was held for the man who had few living friends. Dennis captured his main sense of loss with these poignant words, "I wish things could have been different." 

Dennis couldn't make things different, of course, but neither did he choose to respond with anger and bitterness. Instead, he gave his dad a gift. 

Although Dennis did not like many of his father's qualities, he loved him. Love involves a decision. That means Dennis did the specific kinds of things he would have done if he actually felt a great fondness for his father. That was part of the gift.

During the last three years of his life, Murray lived alone in a one-room apartment. Dennis and I made it a point to visit him twice a month. Typically, the three of us went out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant. Murray always chuckled at the item, "beef cow," on the menu -- "What other kind of cow could you find than a beef cow?" That memory now stands as a reminder to us of Murray's whimsical side and a way we can still honor him in our hearts -- I think that's part of the gift, too. 

When Dennis talked with his father every few days on the phone, he always ended each conversation by saying, "I love you, Dad." He was not necessarily reporting his feelings but stating his intentions. Later, Dennis found a tangible way to love his father in his last days in the hospital. When Murray had trouble breathing, Dennis would help him with an inhalation exercise. This required Murray to cough up sputum, which Dennis would catch in a towel he held under Murray's chin. During this operation, Dennis would coach, "Atta boy, Dad! Get it up! You can do it." When we love, we choose to affirm another's personhood and encourage his or her efforts. Yes, that's another part of the gift.

But there's more. As Dennis's father reached his 70s, Dennis realized he would not always have the opportunity to tell his dad everything Dennis wanted him to know. So he scheduled a special time to meet with him. Then Dennis made it a point to ask forgiveness for all the items he could think of that he had never before cleaned up with his dad. Even more important, he concentrated on thanking him for a specific precious memory. Given the family history, Dennis didn't have a lot of happy memories of his father, but this is the one he recalled.

Dad, I remember one time when I was about three or four years old. You were sitting in your favorite chair in our living room, reading the newspaper. I was pretending to run our vacuum cleaner. The cord was coiled up on the handle and not plugged in, and I was just making believe. I remember that you put down your newspaper and looked at me with a warm, gentle smile. You said kindly, "Den, why don't you uncoil the cord, plug it in, turn on the switch and really vacuum?" Dad, you can't believe how proud it made me to know that my dad thought I could do useful work.

Dennis's father, his eyes glistening, answered, "I don't remember that occasion, Den, but thank you so much for telling me."

A few months later, the whole Gibson family gathered for Thanksgiving. As was customary, we spent a large part of the time reminiscing. During a lull in the conversation, Dennis's dad spoke up. "Den," he asked, "do you remember the time you were a little kid pretending to vacuum and I told you to plug in the cord and really vacuum?" Dennis held back his tears and answered simply, "I sure do, Dad."

Dennis and I looked across the room at each other, realizing what had just happened. The happy memory that had once eluded Dennis's dad became his again, and he was able to share it with the rest of the family. The gift came full circle, and that was the best part.

Ruth Gibson and husband Dennis are motivational speakers living in the Chicago area. This story is adapted from their book, The Sandwich Years: When Your Kids Need Friends and Your Parents Need Parenting, Baker Book House, 1991, available from the authors at 630-668-3331.

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Power Connection 
by Marge Franzen

Grace is a gift that is given, a gift that grants a whole new promise of life to the receiver. This expensive gift surprises the receiver and seals the relationship with the giver. Grace is a balm to family life, a soothing ointment that softens the hurts and heals the scrapes and irritations of relationships. Jesus tells many stories of grace, but one story speaks of grace in a family that particularly needed healing.

Take a look at Luke 15:11-32. A son tells his father he wants to divorce him. He considers his father as good as dead; so, look Dad, turn over the inheritance now! Can't you feel the friction around the family dinner table as relationships are pulled thin by the impertinent demand? Imagine the town gossip when the father does not kick the ingrate out but instead enacts the will. A community knows how to make its disapproval known. 

The son liquidates his assets and leaves. But after being buffeted by a world decidedly without grace-filled relationships, he resolves to return to the father who loved enough to sacrifice his own honor of fatherhood. But the son with empty pockets is carrying quite a load. In guilt, he hatches a scheme that will prove he really is an upright person -- he can pay his father back by working as a servant, the gossips will be silenced and he can earn his way back into a life of respectability.

Here comes the father, running to intercept the schemer with another surprise of grace: "My son!" A gift. No debt of guilt. No list of expectations. Just the joyful offer of relationship. What do you think that offer cost the father?

Now we hear from another son who has been strangely silent in all these family comings and goings. His heart is small. He may not have walked out of the house, but he has long since walked out of the relationship. He chose serving a commander rather than loving a father. Now he can't even bring himself to mention his brother's name. "When this son of yours came home," he complains to his father, "you gave him the fattened calf."

The father again lays aside the indignity of a publicly defiant son and gives a gift of grace: "Beloved son ... everything I have is yours." The tyranny of working for the relationship, earning the connection, is wiped away by the gift of grace.

The story is curious because it doesn't have an ending. Will these sons accept the healing of the father's grace? Will they live in a relationship they have not earned? Will they gift each other with the embrace of "brother"?

So Jesus offers us a life under grace . . .

Marge Franzen is a parish assistant for adult education at Peace Lutheran Church in Lombard, Illinois. She and husband Dennis have two young-adult children.

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Everyday Grace

Grace isn't just for Sunday mornings or pious moments. Grace is for every moment, every day. Imagine the difference it could make to let grace infuse your relationships. Family Connection readers share some ways you can surprise people with a gift of grace or open your own eyes to grace that sometimes comes disguised.

My friend's mother died last week at the age of 84 years, most of them spent chained in the living death of severe mental illness. Now in death she is free -- and living. That's grace.

We talked over lunch, I was distracted by personal problems. Afterwards, she sent a card that said, "thought you needed a hug." That's what God does, too; He sends us hugs for the hurt we can barely express. That's grace.

-- Vivian Hauser, Family Connection Staff Director

My kids love it when I chase them around the house. But they like it even more when I catch them! That's when the tickling and wrestling start! That's when I hold them close and say, "I love you. I think you are wonderful." That's one way I demonstrate grace to them.

-- Stephen Kovic

Grace is a friend who builds me up even when she is down.

-- Erica Grass, age 17

The part of grace that means so much to me is that God's forgiveness is there over and over and over . . . 

-- Ross Truemper

Once a friend hurt my feelings, but the next day he said he was sorry and invited me to a sleep over. I was glad to go. I guess that's grace.

-- Matt Brauer, age 8

Grace is like when Mom surprised me by eating lunch with me on Grandparent's Day at school. I would have been the only one in my class without someone to eat with otherwise.

-- Kim Schiefelbein, age 12

Grace is like the time Grandpa gave his favorite model car to me.

-- Justin Schiefelbein, age 8

School papers ... rejoicing that the crumpled "School Notes," though unreadable, somehow made it home in the first place.

Bad grade ... not scolding when my daughter comes home with a poor test grade but reminding her of all the good test grades she usually has.

Teacher's grace ... announcing to my students the test they took yesterday was really just a practice test, and they will have another opportunity to show what they really know on the test tomorrow.

Teenager's room ... cheering on my teenager as she walks from one side of her room to the other without falling over the clutter.

Missing sock ... thanking my spouse that I was able to find one sock of the pair.

Needed suggestion ... heeding my wife's suggestion that I (when I've been too engrossed in work) take our daughter out for lunch sometime "real soon."

Working mom ... rejoicing when my young son surprises me by preparing "blackened" hot dogs and "crunchy" macaroni for dinner and then recognizing that tonight is as good a time as any to scrub down the kitchen.

Grace invested ... dating your children or grandchildren.

Coming home ... walking into the house each evening after a long day at work and seeing my family.

Morning revelation ... waking up every morning knowing I have another chance at it.

-- compiled by Deb Herman and Mike Heinz
 
 

Grace. God gives it. We need it. 

God gives us grace in His Son, whose death paid the debt of our sin and whose resurrection assures eternal life for all who believe.

God gives us grace in the Holy Spirit, the Comforter who walks alongside us every step of our journey to heaven.

God gives us grace in people who nurture and enrich our lives.

God gives us the privilege of extending the grace we have received to others, especially to those in our families. 

How do you see God's grace in your life? Some friends of Family Connection share their thoughts on grace on page 3 of this issue. 

Grace is ...

... the smile of an elderly woman who chooses to shine with hope rather than reflect the bitterness of the storms she has weathered

... the warm embrace of a family member in the midst of a hectic, harried day -- the hug that slows the pace of life in the fast lane

... the love and comfort of God, always alive and awake in His Word, speaking to my heart on a sleepless night

... the eyes that smiled and the warm hand that clasped mine as I came into church on a cold, windy day

... the beautiful meal prepared for our family with love by a new friend on our first night in a new apartment

-- Myra Stanley, Family Connection Resource Manager

Comments 

Editor: Janice Kerper Brauer
Design and production: Lois I. Schroeder
Advisors: Debra Herman, Sandy Thompson 

Family Connection and Prayer Connection are published quarterly by
Lutheran Family Association of The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod. 

Available for bulk mailing to churches, $15 per l00, plus shipping. 

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