Family Connection

March/April 1999

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How does your garden grow?

Index of Articles

Bone of My Bones

Faith Talk

An Intimate Garden

Factoring Friendship Into Your Marriage

Resources for Couples

The Family Connection Prayer Garden

Bone of my Bones

by Cathy Haedge

Often, especially when the weather is cool, my husband and I curl up together in bed. We fit together just right—my back against his tummy. When I come to bed late and he is already there, he wakes briefly and makes room for me right next to him. It feels like a completed puzzle. We fit together like two well-worn wooden spoons nesting in each other. My back pushes again him; his body curves around me in a protective arc. I support him as he leans on me. We make one lump under the covers. 

When we lie thus in bed, our ribs touch as if we had a single spine, a single frame. He took one of the man’s ribs ... and fashioned it into a woman. He brought her to the man, and the man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh" (Genesis 2:22-23). 

The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). So He has given us each other—flesh and blood bodies. God knew it was not good for man to be alone, so He sent Jesus—flesh and blood God to be with us.

It is not good ... to be alone. Why is that? I don’t know really, but I do know that I have sometimes, all on my own, figured out what a family problem is and what to do about it. Then, when I presented my findings to my husband and children, they looked at me as if I was wearing only fig leaves. When I don’t make room for them—room for their ideas and needs—it is not good. When I am alone, I experience things only from my perspective, based only on my history. But the world is bigger than me. God is much bigger. He sees all perspectives, knows every consequence.

When God created Eve, He was giving both the man and the woman a new means for looking at the world, a way to see more than either one could see alone. Marriage allows two people to experience life twice—once with their own eyes and once through the other’s. 

In clay pottery, scratches give adjoining surfaces strength; the ridges and wrinkles help the two pieces adhere. They make the cup handle stay affixed to the cup. The cup is more useful with a handle. I am more useful, too, when I allow in myself the grooves and ridges of my husband’s different ideas and perceptions. I see better because of him. My usefulness increases, and together we are more useful to God.

Sin, of course, makes a mess of things. Sin is, for one thing, a preoccupation with self. I see my spouse, home, church, work all as existing solely for my benefit. I don’t think about how something might be good for someone else. When I am crossed, someone has messed up big time. I want the world to be pleasant and convenient for me.

But the flesh and blood God-Man had other ideas. He joined the human race and gave His life for us. This suitable Helper is extraordinary because He, living in me, gives me new eyes. I can see life and the world with His miraculous vision. When I look with His eyes, I view others with love, understanding and empathy. In being united with Christ, I am united with all people. His love for me is also for them; His salvation is theirs just as it is mine.

Marriage is a concrete example of the love Jesus has for His bride, the church. Through our relationship with Jesus, my husband and I fit together. In the body of Christ, I find my "fit" as well. And I can "make room" for others, opening my arms to take in their sorrow and repentance, even their anger and hate. I make room for others as God made room for me when Jesus died. The space Jesus created when He redeemed the world is big enough for every person. 

As my husband and I snuggle in bed, we fall asleep in grace. I receive from him the warmth and protection he offers, and he receives my unique gifts. Yet we both eagerly await our true marriage in heaven, when we will be joined to the Bridegroom in a wholeness total and complete.

Cathy Haedge, from Garland, Texas, is a wife and mother of three daughters.

Faith Talk

by Greg Williamson

As I strolled into my daughter’s bedroom, the fallout from a magazine purchase was evident: three new teen posters adorned the wall. And right over her bed, in full color, stood a young boy in a red flannel shirt, open to the waist. His belly button was obvious!

"Laura," I asked, trying to stay calm. "Which of these posters do you think troubles me most?"

"That one," she said, pointing to Mr. Red Flannel Shirt.

"You’re right," I replied, not quite sure what to do next. I prayed for wisdom, and then I told Laura, "Either you put a T-shirt on that boy or I will."

A few days later, the boy was sporting a blue crayoned T-shirt under his red flannel. Laura and I were both satisfied.

Why didn’t I just tear the poster down? Because Laura’s room is an expression of her identity. She’s learning, through hanging posters and pictures, the kind of person she wants to be. I had no trouble with the boy in the picture, but I did have trouble with the boy’s clothing and what the poster portrayed.

How we handle the sexual issues facing our children today is so important. What we teach our children about how they view others is related to how they may someday regard themselves. Right now, Laura just likes the picture of the cute boy. But is she at some point going to learn to lust after the boy? Will she then learn the way she, as a female, can tease someone else into lusting after her? Instead, I hope the simple act of improvising a blue T-shirt will remind her to treat others (and herself) with respect.

Proverbs 22:6 tell us to train up a child in the way he (or she) should go. We need to train our children because this is a sexually charged world. We need to train our children because the values God teaches in His Word are for our good. We need to train our children because God gives parents (not the church or the school or the neighbor boy in the back alley) that specific responsibility.

Children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3)—a precious heritage! They are also precious to the Lord as sexual beings, male and female. We either train our children "up" or "down." Lift your children up as God’s beautifully created sexual beings. Teach them to honor the gift of sexuality and use it within God’s design. 

Ephesians 6:4 says, Don’t exasperate your children. As parents, we do well to watch what we say and how we say it when dealing with our children. If I had told Sarah, "No self-respecting girl would have such a poster on her wall," I would have completely missed a "training" opportunity.

Finally, deal with sexual issues in a "fatherly" way (even if you’re the mother!). 1 Thessalonians 2:11 has a good phrase at the end of the verse ... we dealt with each one of you like a father with his children. Parents, deal with your children compassionately, tenderly, preciously. 

Rev. Greg Williamson is associate pastor at St. Andrew’s Lutheran Church in Park Ridge, Illinois. Greg and wife Pam have two children, Laura and Andrew.

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An Intimate Garden

by Myra Stanley

Praying with another person—a spouse or a close Christian friend—is a special blessing. Intimate, shared times of prayer are like time spent in a beautiful garden. The prayer life in my marriage has been like a garden full of unexpected flowers, although we’ve had our share of unwelcome weeds as well. Just as God has blessed us with answered prayers—beautiful blooms—He has used even the weeds to show His great love for us. He has worked through difficult situations to reveal His power and His plan.

In cultivating the soil of our life together, my husband and I have found prayer to be one of the strongest bonds. Whether you pray with a spouse or another prayer partner, here are six "garden tools" that have been helpful to us as we tend our prayer-garden together:

• Thank God for your relationship. Praise Him for the blessings He has given and ask Him to help you be open to His will. Life can be stressful and harsh at times. Praying together provides a time of refreshment and peace. Remind each other that God is in control and is always available to help. 
• Admit your faults to each other. Be gentle with one another. Unresolved anger or conflict can grow roots of bitterness, so pray together for God’s forgiveness to flow freely in your relationship. 
• Compliment each other. When you pray aloud, thank God for the gifts and talents He has given the other person. Encourage one another to grow by praying for God’s wisdom for each of you as you develop your own unique gifts and talents. 
• Cry together. Let the tears water your garden. When difficulty or family tragedy strikes, pull together in prayer. Don’t isolate yourself from one another in grief and pain, but instead comfort each other. 
• Laugh together. Bring the joys of life before God in prayer. Ask Him for a sense of humor and genuine enjoyment of each day. 
• Pray apart. Pray for one another when you are not together. Pray for him when he crosses your mind at work. Pray for her while you’re driving the car. Pray when you recall a special concern of the other person. 
• Finally, if the garden of your life becomes overgrown with serious weeds—if there is family violence, a severe marital or parenting difficulty, substance abuse or emotional problems—seek professional help. God will continue to be with you in prayer, but He may choose to answer your prayers through the support of others outside your marriage or family. 

Myra Stanley is Resources Manager for Family Connection. Husband Vince is completing ministerial studies at Concordia Seminary, St. Louis, Missouri.

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Factoring Friendship into Your Marriage

by Janice Kerper Brauer

Beth looked across the breakfast table at Steve as he read a quick story to their preschooler before rushing off to work. The scene looked so perfect that Beth wondered why she felt so sad. She turned her head away, blinking back tears. What’s the matter? she thought. Steve’s a wonderful man—a faithful husband, a good provider, a terrific dad. But something is missing.

She thought back to when she and Steve were dating, 15 years and three kids ago. She remembered the day she called her mom to say they were engaged. "Mom, he’s so fantastic, and I love him so much! And the best part is I feel like I’ve found a friend for life." Suddenly Beth knew what she is missing: friendship with the man she loves.

Perhaps you have felt like Beth. Whether you’ve been married five or 15 or 50 years, you’ve probably discovered that married friendship doesn’t just happen. And being friends ten years ago doesn’t guarantee you’ll be friends ten years from now.

The Friendship Factor

When the Bible says the two shall become one flesh (Genesis 2:24), it speaks of more than physical intimacy. The oneness marriage creates involves the heart, will, mind and emotions. Nurturing friendship helps couples connect in all these ways.

Friendship also provides a model for family life. When children see that mom and dad talk things through, respect each other and work together, it sets a pattern for all family interaction. It also provides a strong sense of security that gives children a foundation for healthy relationships throughout life.

Finally, married friendship mirrors the love of Jesus to the world. How many couples do you know who discount their mate’s views or use jokes to belittle each other? What a difference when Christian couples display mutual love and respect!

Building Married Friendship

It takes time and intentional effort to nurture friendship. Like salmon swimming upstream, marriages are bombarded by demands that sweep across the path of friendship. Careers, children’s activities, even church commitments get in the way. But don’t give up. Carve out time for the two of you. Many couples have a regular date night. Others reserve the last half-hour before bed to talk about their days. Some stay in touch via notes and cards. My husband travels frequently on business and sometimes writes to me from the airplane. What fun it is to find a letter on my pillow after he has unpacked from a trip! We also nurture our relationship by leading a couple’s Bible study. Sometimes it’s easier to share spiritual insights or struggles with the whole group than one-on-one.

Another way to cultivate married friendship is to have other friends. Expecting your spouse to fulfill all your needs and be interested in everything that interests you is unrealistic. God places different people in our lives to meet different needs. I call one sister for culinary advice and another when I’m feeling blue. I turn to Donna when I’m distressed about work but call my mom when the kids say something cute.

Above all, stay closely connected to Jesus, the Friend who alone can meet your deepest needs.

It Takes Two

If only one spouse is ready to nurture married friendship, the challenge is greater but not impossible. Here are two suggestions. First, give what you want to receive. It might be encouragement in your parenting role, time to pursue a personal interest, or simple affirmation that you are still loved and valued. Try giving that to your spouse—freely, with no strings attached. You may be surprised at the dividends you reap.

Second, let your spouse love you as he or she is able. Perhaps pressures at work are all-consuming for him right now. Maybe she grew up in a reserved home where love was not freely expressed. Maybe it’s easier for him to "say it with flowers." As you receive, with grace, whatever friendship your spouse offers, you open the door for that friendship to grow.

Seasons Change

Like the change of seasons in nature’s cycle, marriages pass through different seasons. When children are still at home, a lot of physical and emotional energy is directed toward parenting. You may need to be content with less than story-book episodes of friendship building: a note slipped into his briefcase, ten minutes listening to a favorite CD together, an occasional free video from the library. Another season will bring more opportunities for uninterrupted time together. And although it may seem a distant dream, some day the nest will be empty. Nurturing friendship through the years will make that season richer and more fun.

God created us with the capacity for deep relationships. In marriage He gives us the opportunity for a soul-to-soul touch. Friendship is God’s idea. Marriage is God’s idea. Put the two together and see what you get. 

Janice Kerper Brauer is editor of Family Connection and several other publications.

Resources for Couples

Fashioned for Intimacy (Regal Books) Jane Hansen, Marie Powers: Shows God’s design for marriage and points the way toward wholeness in relationships and restoration of intimacy.

Value Your Mate: How to Strengthen Your Marriage (Baker Book House) Douglas McMurry, Everett Worthington: Discusses eight dimensions that bring either fullness or emptiness to a marriage, including faith, communication, commitment and more.

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