Family
Connection
July/August 1999
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Praying Through the Changes of Life
Everything I Need to Know About Life ... I Learned from My China Cabinet
by Charles Spomer
Neither hers nor mine was going to be big enough for ours. You see, between us we had five children, and neither house would hold all of us. Our home would have to be large enough in more ways than one to accommodate these five individuals, together with this new set of parents. Because we got married three months before we were able to live together, the physical arrangements occupied our thinking right away. But always in our minds was the more practical matter of how blending our families was going to work.
Wisely, Chris, my wife, insisted that each of the two girls have her own room. They were both 13 when we married. Chris’ daughter, an only child, had always had her own room. My daughter, the oldest of four children, had also had her own room. The boys could all live in one large room, if necessary—and it was. After several frustrating days of house hunting in St. Louis, we found a home. Painting and cleaning made it ready for the big move-in only days before school started in a new place.
Dividing the rooms was not difficult. The girls took the two smaller bedrooms. The master bedroom was reluctantly given to the boys. Two bunks and a twin bed made it livable. But what about the two of us? Where the patio used to be, a back room with no insulation, heat or air-conditioning, that was our bedroom. I noticed a problem the first Saturday morning when I woke up to five kids in the family room watching the TV, which was positioned right next to the six-foot pane of glass that was the door to our bedroom. It didn’t strike me as the ideal situation for newlyweds.
The boys were just at the right age for maximum growth. Soon the largest one popped out of the bedroom and refused to be stuffed back in. "Remodel the basement," was the cry. A small bedroom was created, and one half of the basement was finished so the kids would have more room for activities and friends. After a large patch of ground was leveled, a pool was erected in the backyard to the amusement of the neighbors. A deck completed the activity area.
Activity was always present in that house. With five children less than seven years different in age, there was also conflict. What is whose and who does what and when and in which bathroom? But adapting to extra siblings did not seem to be the big adjustment. It was adjusting to new parents. Resentment against the absent parent is often taken out on the person who has taken his or her place and the parent who remains. Sometimes the absent parent is idealized, and the step-parent is inadequate by comparison. When children are young, discipline is a matter of great concern. Who will discipline and under what circumstances?
Taking the advice of experts in the field of communicating with children, we instituted the "family meeting." Any member of the family can call for a vote on any issue. One detail the children didn’t always like was that, even though everyone had a vote, I had the veto.
How can one make a blended family work? The deck seems to be stacked against success. Don’t even try unless Jesus Christ is going to be the head of the household.
Make sure the children all understand that you take orders from Christ and live under His forgiveness and love. Bring them to God’s house every week so they may know the gift of their baptism and feed on the Lord’s Supper.
Pray for the children daily, many times each day. Listen to their words but strive to hear their hearts.
Say "I’m sorry" when you are wrong. Don’t say "no" just because.
Remember that children are children. Expect mistakes, poor judgment, disobedience and even some disrespect, but don’t excuse it.
From my point of view, a gift of God that is essential to "making it" as a blended family is to marry a strong, wise woman whose only evidence of insanity is her willingness to marry a man with four children.
And for our godly, generous adult children who successfully live on their own and yet love to come home, I can only say, "Thank you, Chris" and "Thank you, Lord."
Rev. Charles and Chris Spomer live in St. Louis, Missouri, where Charles is pastor of Ascension Lutheran Church.
by Vince & Myra Stanley
Things were going quite well. We had a nice house. We had a lovely family with three cherished children. Our jobs were adequate. God had blessed us abundantly. Why, then, was there an uneasiness, a restlessness in our hearts? Why did we feel as if there could be something more to our lives than what we had already been given? Why did the passage from 1 Corinthians 2:9, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him, stir our hearts so?
It seemed God had something to show us about which we knew nothing but felt most curious. We began to sense the restless change together, and we talked about it. We began to wonder if God was leading us to something new, something we had never done before. We prayed about it, individually and as a couple. And then the doors began to open. God answered our prayers in very specific ways. We knew He did indeed have something new for us to do. After much prayer, discussion and counsel with our pastor, trusted friends and loved ones, we made a major move from one state to another so we could do what we truly believed God was calling us to do—for Vince to enter seminary training to become a pastor.
The transition affected our family in different ways. On one hand, we were embarking on the adventure of our lives. We loved meeting new people and seeing new places. But on the other hand, it was painful to leave the close, caring community where we had lived for many years. The change was especially hard for our children. For Vince the change from full-time worker to full-time student was challenging as well. There even were times we looked at each other, wondering if we had made the right decision. But we recalled the words of a friend who encouraged us from the biblical story of Peter. "Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water and came toward Jesus," our friend said. "If you want to walk on the water, you have to get out of the boat!"
Through this transition time in our lives, God has shown us that we can trust Him even when waves of doubt rise up. As we look back on our journey, we realize every crisis or painful experience we have endured has taught us more about God’s deep love for us. And we have been equipped to serve others in need of His tender touch. He speaks to our hearts from Hebrews 13:5: I will never leave you or forsake you.
Life is full of change, from beginning to end. God is full of love and faithfulness; He will be with us through it all.
While Vince Stanley is completing ministerial studies, Myra serves Family Connection as Resources Manager.
Praying through the Changes of Life
by Eleanor Sandholm
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps (Proverbs 16:9).
The bags were lying open on the bed and items already were being assembled for our anticipated trip to Russia and Scandinavia the following week when the hematology nurse called and said that Bill, my husband, had Multiple Myeloma—a type of cancer that affects the white blood cells. Bill had been battling a low-grade anemia all summer, but we never once suspected cancer.
The days that followed were a haze—phone calls to our daughters, more tests, pamphlets to read on the diagnosis, cancellation of our trip. We relied heavily on God’s direction and prayer. I wrote and called family and friends asking for prayer support. Psalm 121 encouraged us: I will lift up my eyes to the hills; where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Instead of visiting Moscow’s Red Square in September, we were sitting in the chemotherapy wing waiting for the drip of toxic chemicals to enter Bill’s body.
There is no cure for this cancer, and the doctor told us the treatment is long—usually a year to 18 months. But he gave us hope that 80-90 percent of the cases go into remission after the treatments. Because this cancer attacks the blood, as does the chemo-therapy, Bill has had repeated blood transfusions. He has to be extremely careful of bacterial infections, which can ravish the body and prove fatal within a matter of hours. We have been instructed to go immediately to the hospital for antibiotics if his fever goes higher than 101 degrees. We had several anxious moments this past winter when Bill’s fever did go over 101. We rushed to the hospital where cultures were taken and, thankfully, the fever eventually went down. Thanks be to God! On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers (2 Corinthians 1: 10b-11a).
All through this trying experience, friends and relatives continue to drop us notes, call to give encouragement and assure us of prayer support. The grandchildren send e-mail messages telling about their activities. They always end by saying, "We love you; you are in our prayers." What comfort!
We still face serious possibilities in the future—kidney failure, weakened bones, the risk of severe infection and new chemo-therapy drugs. But in reflection, we have felt very blessed through all the changes of this year. Without the prayer support of our daughters, relatives and other friends throughout the body of Christ, this situation, which has changed our lives so profoundly, would have been extremely difficult.
It truly hasn’t been. Bill and I have learned so much from this life experience. God is present with us and will be in our future! He has shown us kind and caring people who give of themselves in prayer, gifts and visits—just when they are needed. During one low period, the wife of my daughter’s pastor sent us a card with Lifesavers candy attached. She reminded us that Jesus is our ultimate "Lifesaver." At other times, friends flew in to visit Bill, and an e-mail came from a grandson in Germany. Just recently a friend dropped off a beautiful jeweled butterfly that now graces our kitchen window. All these kindnesses have been tremendously uplifting.
We are nearly half-way through the treatments, with the outcome still uncertain. We have had our highs and lows. During both periods, the Psalms have been such a comfort. Besides learning how fearfully and wonderfully we are made by our Creator, we’ve discovered that God does strengthen us through these changes in life and helps us relate to others when they go through trials and difficulties. We can assure others that they, too, can prayerfully rely on God’s Holy Spirit for peace and renewal.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we may comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians l:3-4).
Eleanor and Bill Sandholm live in Greenfield, Iowa. Eleanor is a retired teacher. Bill, a retired school administrator, serves as trustee at Southwest Community College and as an elder in their church.
Family Connection staff and prayer partners have been praying for Bill and Eleanor. We would love to pray for your concerns as well. Please see the prayer request form on the back page.
Everything I Need to Know About Life ... I Learned from My China Cabinet
by Doreen Kerper Grass
I just wanted to repaint my kitchen. After spending many pleasant hours dithering over paint samples, I finally settled on a color. But as I glanced around the room, I had a new thought: What if we ripped out that useless little closet and moved the refrigerator? Would there be more room for our table? Could we install a bigger cabinet over here?
And that’s how we ended up building a major addition—an extra bedroom, powder room, new kitchen and great room! Change, you see, has a way of getting out of hand.
The final phase of our remodeling project was a built-in china cabinet. What you need to know is that this is no ordinary china cabinet. When we demolished the old kitchen and dining room, I knew I wanted to salvage the 40-year-old leaded glass doors from the built-in corner cabinets. I wanted to remodel, to change, but I was determined to save those doors! In fact, those doors became a symbol for me, a sign of continuity when everything else was in transition. You could even say that everything I need to know about life I learned from my china cabinet.
Be willing to explore the possibilities. Ask, "What if?"
Remember, my original plan was not to add on to my house. But once the "what ifs" started, they were hard to silence. Somehow, slowly, we saw the possibilities and caught a vision of what our house could be like.
Do you have a vision for changes God may want to work in your life? Have you ever thought, "What if I volunteered for that new ministry?" "What if I joined the Friday evening Bible study?" "What if I got up 15 minutes earlier to spend time in prayer?" These kind of "what ifs" may be the Spirit’s still small voice.
Attractive results come only after hard work.
Although my beautiful china cabinet is the focal point of our addition, it is there because of all the unseen elements: foundation and support joists, subfloor and wall studs, insulation and drywall. Much of what makes the finished product both beautiful and durable is the grunt work that came first.
In the same way, the Christian character and maturity to which I aspire doesn’t come instantaneously. Justification happened at the cross, but sanctification is a lifelong journey. And it is primarily in the mundane moments of life that Jesus more completely develops His nature within me, as I put on the garments that suit God’s chosen people … compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience … Colossians 3:12.
A work in progress is not a failure.
Our original plan was to do the remodeling in six weeks. It’s a little embarrassing to acknowledge that it took more than six years (we did a lot of the work ourselves). But we didn’t think we were failures just because we weren’t done. We accepted the fact that it would take time.
We can apply that to our faith journey, too. Even though we struggle daily with sin, God doesn’t see us as spiritual failures; He knows we are works in progress. And He gives us this promise: He who began a good work in you will carry it on until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).
Keep a clear mental picture of the end result.
This may sound strange, but in my mind my china cabinet has been in place since the day we started remodeling. I sat every night amid the rubble and pictured it completed. I imagined family and friends enjoying the new space and admiring my great-grandmother’s hand-painted china.
Perhaps I was a little like Abraham. While living the life of a nomad, he looked ahead to a permanent residence. While sleeping in tents, he pictured his heavenly home. Indeed, he was looking for the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God (Hebrews 11:10).
Now my husband and I are facing leaving our remodeled home and my treasured china cabinet. A new job in a new state will mean leaving behind the tangible results of our remodeling project. The good news is that the lessons learned will go with us, and the God who taught those lessons is Jesus Christ, who is the same yesterday, today and forever. Hebrews 13:8
Doreen Kerper Grass works in sales training in Addison, IL. She and husband Peter have one daughter, a student at Valparaiso University.
Family Connection understands that change is often accompanied by uncertainty, anxiety and stress. We welcome the opportunity to pray for you regarding changes in your life or any other concern. You may call us at 1-800-351-1001 or use the form provided below. (All requests are kept confidential.)
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