Family Connection

Jan./Feb. 1999

We will listen! 1-800-351-1001

Is family fun an oxymoron?

Index of Articles

A New Year, A New Look

Destination Unknown

Faith Talk

Resources for Faith Talk

Parents or Referees? Dealing With Sibling Rivalry

Prayer Everyday

Resources for Families

The Family Connection Prayer-Team

A New Year, A New Look

If you think something is different about this issue of Family Connection, you're right! We have a new look for the new year. Family Connection is now a six-page newsletter, published six times per year and incorporating the Prayer Edition. Each issue will contain practical articles on family life and relationships as well as a two-month prayer calendar and a special article encouraging family members to pray with and for each other. 

Our theme for 1999 is "Making Home a Grace Place." Each issue will focus on a different room in the house and how what happens in that room can demonstrate the grace of our Lord. 

This issue looks at the family room—the place where families gather for fun and relaxation and where (sometimes) things get a little out of hand. Look inside for ideas on how to make the most of your family's time together.

For the new year and beyond, our goal remains the same: to strengthen families and to help keep them connected to their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Janice Kerper Brauer

Editor

Destination Unknown

by Dave Brighton

It all started innocently enough. Marcia and I thought it might be nice to surprise our children by doing something fun without first telling them where we were going. As we piled in the van, the conversation went something like this:

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know."

"Dad, you have to know! You're driving."

"Maybe you're right. I guess well just have to see."

"Why cant you tell us now where we're going?"

"Let's just say it will be a surprise, and you'll find out where we're going when we get there. Until then, it will be a destination unknown."

And so our family tradition of "destination unknown" was born. Over the years, we've enjoyed many simple and inexpensive (yet fun) destinations: the local pizza parlor, movies, the city park, putt-putt golf, swimming, the local ice cream parlor and a minor league baseball game.

Our biggest "destination unknown" trip was a two-and-a-half hour drive from our home in Parkersburg, West Virginia to the zoo in Columbus, Ohio. As we drove along, passing signs on the interstate for Cleveland, Cincinnati and Indianapolis, we kept the kids guessing. One of them said, "Indianapolis! Wow! We're going to watch Reggie Miller play the Knicks!" We didn't see Reggie, but we had a great time at the zoo!

As time goes along, it gets harder to surprise the kids, but that's part of the fun. If the baseballs, gloves and Frisbees are in the back of the van, they all start guessing, "City Park!" If they have to clean up first, they get suspicious, "I hope it's not some museum!" And there are times of disappointment: "Not pizza again!" But over all, our destination unknowns have been wonderful family times, and if you want to stir up a bit of instant excitement around our house, all you have to say is "destination unknown!"

Here are some tips we've learned over the years that might help you plan a surprise family adventure:

1. Start with simple, fun activities that relate to the ages and interests of your children. A trip to the park, miniature golf and any kind of food destination have always worked well for us.

2. Plan ahead so that you have an idea ready to go. Then turn a rainy day or a grumpy day into a great day of fun.

3. Over time, sprinkle in some bigger destinations such as zoos, museums, amusement parks or even over-nighters.

4. Don't let the activity overshadow the primary purpose—having fun together as a family. Let God's love flow through you to your family as you create special times you will never forget. 

Rev. Dave Brighton and wife Marcia have five children. They live in Parkersburg, West Virginia, were Dave is pastor of St. Paul Lutheran Church.

Faith Talk

by Darold Reiner

The family room plays a vital role in the faith formation of children and teenagers. In fact, what happens in the family room (or wherever the family gathers for fun and play) is probably more powerful than anything that happens in a Sunday school class, confirmation program or youth group.

A national study done by Search Institute, Minneapolis, confirms the importance of the family in the faith development of children. This study examined several ways families express faith in the home—each of which is extremely important for nurturing a dynamic faith. Four family practices are particularly important for helping the family grow in faith:

• Talking about faith with your mother.

• Talking about faith with your father.

• Having family devotions or prayer.

• Doing family projects to help other people.

God told us centuries ago of the importance of faith talk in the family room: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home [family room] and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up (Deuteronomy 6:5-7).

How a mother or father initiates faith talk in the family room depends on the age of the children and the type of activity involved. But such intimacy as faith talk is generated under the Holy Spirit's guidance when there is a spiritual atmosphere in the home. This is why reading the Bible and praying in the presence of other family members are so important. The more the parent speaks about God or Jesus, the easier it is for everyone in the family to speak about God and the meaning of God in their lives. The more you speak the language of God, the sooner these sorts of words will enter the vocabulary of your family as well.

We tend to be creatures of habit. We need spiritual habits as well—routines or rituals that are not broken. What kind of spiritual habits can be initiated or formed in the family room by your family? Prayer? Family devotions? Bible reading? Family discussions? Resolution of family conflict?

The physical environment is also vital to initiating and sustaining faith talk in the family room. What kind of books could be placed on the book shelves or end tables? What kind of art work would be appropriate? What kind of family-friendly games are available? 

The family room can be the focus of many meaningful family activities, especially in our fragmented lives. But as with everything else, these things do not just happen. Put forth the intentional effort needed so your family can grow together in faith in Jesus, your Lord and Savior. 

Rev. Darold Reiner is pastor of Trinity Lutheran Church in Kalispell, Montana.

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Resources for Faith Talk

Funtastic Family Nights: 19 Family Night Programs, Kurt Bickel — CPH: Bring parents and children together at family events with an interactive Bible focus. This practical collection includes ideas for devotion time and faith-building activities that include the entire family.

Family Faith Talk: Roger Sonnenberg — CPH: This video-based curriculum helps churches equip parents to initiate faith talk in the home. Leader's guide contains materials for 12 sessions including reproducible handouts and publicity helps.

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Parents or Referees?
Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

by Jane Dibbern

When we found out we were pregnant with our second child, I told my husband we had done a great job of family planning. I considered myself an expert in this area, because I had taken Child Development 101 in college and learned that sibling rivalry usually occurs in children who are less than two years apart. Our Jonathan would be an emotionally secure child of five when the baby was born.

After Sarah's birth and during her infancy, their relationship was one big "Kodak moment." Then Sarah started to move around the room and to say things and to recognize what she wanted. So much for the "two year" theory.

Since then, my husband and I have felt more like National Hockey League referees than parents. Deep down, we know our children really do care for one another, but we are never quite sure how to parent them through the daily discord. We have seen families who have grown distant because of unresolved differences, and we don't want that to happen to our children. 

When you look at the Bible, you can get discouraged by the mistakes even the great heroes of faith made in raising their kids. Sibling rivalry has been in families since the beginning. Even Jesus had to deal with rivalry within his "family" of disciples. 

What's a parent to do? First of all, as with any parenting decision, we must pray, asking for guidance and forgiveness where needed. Second, watching our children challenge one another should make us look at ourselves and examine how we handle conflict. We need to be aware of harmful words we use as parents and of how we resolve conflict with our spouse. Our children are watching our every move.

Third, we need to remember that sibling rivalry is often a competition for the parent's attention, and that competition sets up a conflict. Barbara Moutenot in her article "How to Control Sibling Rivalry" (Nashville Parent Magazine, January 1997) suggests, "Parents should be prepared to deal with conflicts by offering consequences that are consistent." Here's a list of what psychologists offer to deal with conflicts:

• Set rules for interaction. For example, no hitting, no yelling or name-calling.

• Ignore simple arguments. If you think your children can work it out on their own, let them. Letting kids try to resolve their own conflicts will help them throughout life.

• Stay neutral even though you may know who started it. Let the arguing parties express themselves; then help them negotiate.

• Do not tell children to ignore their sibling when being teased. This could make the behavior seem acceptable to the teaser. Instead help them learn to communicate with the teaser, letting the teaser know how his words or actions have hurt them.

• Don't heighten competition by putting your children in the same activities, sports, etc. Instead in the same activities, sports, etc. Instead give them opportunities that foster individuality.

The best gift you can give a child is yourself. Spend time with each child alone each week. Each child needs to feel loved individually by the parents. This gives children a healthy sense of who they are. They will look forward to special time alone with mom or dad and to having all of that attention to themselves.

Finally, don't let sibling rivalry dampen the joy your children bring to your home and family. Continue to view them as precious gifts from God to you—that’s what they are! 

Jane Dibbern is Director of Children's Ministry at Woodbury Lutheran Church in Woodbury, Minnesota. She and husband Bruce have two children who never fight (well, not too much!).

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Prayer Everyday

by Janice K. Brahmstedt

When I think back over my own prayer life and faith walk with the Lord, my thoughts fly to the birth of my first child. I had appreciated the beauty of His creation all around me, but this was personal and tangible. God's miracle of creation came bounding into my life. As I marveled at my daughter's developments and observed her growth, it was as though God's ways were dramatically revealed to me. 

I found my prayer life skyrocketing into conversations with the Lord. As I managed Anna's care and our household for many hours of the day alone, I felt God's presence throughout the day. I watched with fascination as she struggled to learn and master each new skill. I was blessed that she was great at taking naps, and so I had quiet moments to contemplate my role in her faith walk. How was I going to instill a prayer relationship and love for the Lord in her life?

Anna was less than two months old on her first Christmas. That year, like every year, Luke 2 was read in church. It was as though I heard verse 19 for the first time—But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. That's what mothers do, and I was treasuring and pondering. 

Sunday morning church services were one of the few highlights of my week. There I could touch base with my former teaching colleagues and school families. When Anna was just a few months old, I distinctly remember noticing her reactions during the service. She would become very still and alert during congregational responses, whether spoken or sung. That's when I realized she could hear the difference. She wasn't aware we were praying, but she knew we were doing something other than conversational speaking and cooing.

From then on, at church or at mealtimes, either my husband or I would hold her hands together as we prayed. And so her prayer instruction began. You see, if you want prayer to be an everyday occurrence, it's never too early to start. Here are some suggestions for parents or grandparents who want to teach children to pray:
 
 

• Begin with short, simple prayers. Children learn by mimicking words or phrases. 
• As children grow and develop verbally, prayer times can be expanded from memorized prayers at mealtimes and bedtime to more spontaneous prayers modeled in phrases. 
• Help children understand that prayer includes praise and thanksgiving as well as requests. Look for God's work in your lives and the lives of others and give thanks for what He is doing. 
• Look for answered prayers. Keep a sheet of paper posted on the refrigerator or in your child's bedroom to list answers to prayers. Title it, "God With Us" and use it to encourage your child and to remind you both to thank God. 
• Older children can learn to add spontaneous petitions at the end of memorized prayers. Model such petitions yourself and invite the child to add his or her own. 
• Tie prayer to everyday events. For example, before beginning a bedtime prayer, discuss what has happened during the day, needs others may have and praises you want to include. 
• Ask older children to lead a dinner prayer on special occasions such as birthdays, holidays or when special guests are present. 

Janice K. Brahmstedt, from Belvidere, Illinois, is an elementary school teacher. She and husband Charles have four children.

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Resources for Families

Ways to Grow: 101 Virtue-Building Devotions, Eldon Weisheit. CPH: This book uses true-to-life stories to help explain faith to children. Ages 4-10.

Joining Children on the Spiritual Journey: Nurturing a Life of Faith, Catherine Stonehouse. Baker Books: This book shows how the spiritual life of a child develops and how caring parents and teachers can enhance this development.

Prayer: Learning How to Talk to God, Jeanette L. Groth. CPH: This book explains different kinds of prayer and gives short sample prayers of praise and thanksgiving, for forgiveness, help and guidance. Elementary school ages.

Parent Talk: Straight Answers to the Questions That Rattle Most Moms And Dads, Dr. Kevin Leman & Randy Carlson. Thomas Nelson: This book shows how to teach children limits and to hold them accountable for their actions.

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The Family Connection Prayer-Team: 

Our staff prays each morning for the concerns of our friends, readers and callers. To share a prayer request, call 1-800-351-1001 or write to us. (All requests are kept confidential.) 

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