Family Connection

Fall 1998

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Index of Articles

Confession & Forgiveness: Creating New Family Patterns

The Power Connection

Help & Hope for Suzanne

The Hug-up 

Confession & Forgiveness: Creating New Family Patterns 
by David J. Ludwig 

It was 1:30 a.m. Duane was pacing the floor. His 18-year-old son should have been home by midnight. 

"Why don't you come to bed?" his wife called out. "He'll be here soon. Something probably happened to make him late." 

"Why do you always stick up for him?" Duane challenged. "He knows you will be understanding. Boy, does he manipulate you!" 

"So you think blowing up at him is the right way to handle this," his wife shot back. "Some loving father you turned out to be!" 

Duane felt his anger escalate, but before he could say another word, the door opened and there stood a defiant son. "Where have you been?" Duane demanded, dangerously close to the edge. "You're almost two hours late." 
"Aw, cool down, Pops" came the slurred answer, "Another two months and I'm out of here!" 

Smelling the liquor and hearing the disrespect, Duane grabbed his son and slammed him up against the wall. "There, that will teach him a lesson," Duane rationalized to himself. "It's about time he knew who's the boss around here." 
Sin entered Duane's household that night. You might even say Satan entered, invited by all parties involved! Here's what I mean: 

» Duane's son chose alcohol to give him that "I don't care" attitude that could defy his father. 

» Duane's wife chose a "zinger" to express her frustration, aiming her harsh words at her husband's most vulnerable spot—his role as a dad. 

» Duane chose physical violence to show that he was the head of the household, the man in charge. What he did was physical abuse; it was not done out of loving concern for the son but out of the need of the father to assert his shaky authority. 

It's not a pretty picture, is it? Fortunately, in Christ there is another option. Imagine the difference it would have made if Duane had confessed, "Look, I have a problem with my anger" or if his wife had confessed, "I do take my son's side against you, and that is wrong" or if the son had confessed, "I got drunk tonight and I'm sorry; I made an immature decision." Each of the three, speaking the truth in a spirit of love, could have resisted the devil and invited Christ into their hearts and home. It's as simple but as profoundly unnatural as that! 

Now look what is possible when confession and forgiveness are part of another family's situation. 

It was after midnight. The police had called a few minutes earlier, waking Hank and his wife out of a deep sleep. Their son, it seems, had been detained, along with some teenage friends, for damaging mailboxes. An hour later, the son walked in the door to find Mom and Dad waiting for him in the living room. His first words were, "I'm sorry... I made some bad choices tonight." Obviously penitent, he went through every detail, not trying to cover up or put the blame elsewhere. 

After he finished, Hank was the first to comment, "You did make bad choices. I must tell you that when the police called, your mom and I went through some very difficult moments. I am still upset about your lack of respect for other people's property and how easy it was for you to go along with the crowd." 

Then Hank looked at his wife, and tears came to both of their eyes. "We forgive you," were the most beautiful and comforting words this teenager could hear. The scene ended in a three-way hug and a prayer of thanksgiving for the love and forgiveness they could share. 

Creating new patterns of family interaction requires intentional effort and perseverance. Old habits won't change overnight. Learning more about family communication is a good place to begin. Family Connection recommends these resources. 

How to Really Love Your Teenager (Ross Campbell, M.D., Victor) helps parents relate to teens, communicate unconditional love, handle teenage anger and encourage teens' growth. 

Renewing the Family Spirit: Spiritual Growth Through All Types of Weather (David J. Ludwig, CPH) helps families see the spiritual influences at work in their homes and explains relationship dynamics. 

Dr. David J. Ludwig, author of "Confession and Forgiveness," is a psychologist and professor at Lenoir-Rhyne College in Hickory, NC. 

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The Power Connection
by Ruth Koch 

St. Paul's New Testament letter, Philemon, is a short, personal appeal for reconciliation. Onesimus, a runaway slave, has become a believer and is now returning to his master, Philemon. Paul appeals to Philemon to receive Onesimus as a dear brother in Christ and offers important lessons about working for reconciliation. Take out your Bible and follow along. Think about how you can apply these principles in your own life. 

1 Accentuate the positive. Paul starts his letter with blessings, not scoldings! He prays God's grace and peace on Philemon, his fellow workers and fellow believers (v. 1-3), because only grace causes reconciliation. 

2 Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Paul's gratitude focuses on God's goodness. Paul thanks God for Philemon, commends his loving service, and says that his love and faith have encouraged Paul in prison (v. 4-7). 

3 Remember that humor can help. With gentle humor and goodwill, Paul plays on the meaning of Onesimus' name—"profitable" (v. 11, 20). When good-naturedness or a lighter touch might help, seize the opportunity! 

4 Watch your language. Paul's warm affection disarms both the master Philemon and the runaway slave Onesimus. A searing admonition would have contradicted the very gospel that was the common denominator for all three men. Paul speaks from love and challenges Philemon to respond from love. 

5 Employ sincere praise. Paul builds on Philemon's strength: the Holy Spirit's gifts of faith and love (v. 5-6). He seems to say, "You are showing your faith by loving fellow saints; now show your faith by loving saint Onesimus!" 

6 Avoid power plays. As spiritual father of both Philemon and Onesimus, Paul could have ordered Philemon to take Onesimus back. Instead, he challenges Philemon to respond out of love (v. 8-9). With love as the motivator, Paul is confident Philemon will do the right thing. 

7 Help people give up anger. Paul challenges Philemon to relinquish his anger by thinking of Onesimus as a fellow servant in Christ (v. 13). This might be a hard pill for Philemon to swallow if he is harboring anger toward Onesimus, but it is the truth, and it is the remedy. 

8 Validate the injury. Onesimus owed a debt to Philemon. Perhaps he stole something or his absence caused Philemon extra expense. Paul acknowledges the debt, validating Philemon's injury (v. 18-19). 

9 Keep in mind that sincere compliments and high expectations are more likely to convince people to do the right thing than threats and fear of criticism. Paul says, "I have such confidence in you, Philemon!" (v. 21). 

Martin Luther wrote, "We are all Onesimuses!" As Onesimus was outside Philemon's favor, we all stand outside the favor and grace of God. But just as Paul pleads for Onesimus, Jesus pleads with His Father for us and, indeed, paid the price of reconciliation on the cross. As dearly loved children, God invites us to draw from His love and be reconciled to others. 

Ruth Koch is a mental health educator who lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan with her husband David. She is the author of the LWML's Prepare to Serve! video study series, and her comments about Philemon are included in a five-session Bible study in Prepare to Reconcile, scheduled for release June, 1999. 

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Help & Hope for Suzanne
by Yvonne K. Gatz 

Suzanne, a mother of three small children, lived in a violent and emotionally abusive relationship with her husband of ten years. Somehow she believed she was responsible for and, indeed, deserved the hits, slaps, punches and sexual assaults she received at the hands of the man who vowed he loved her but wanted her to "shape up" and do things his way. 

Not only was Suzanne's husband physically abusive, but his need to control every aspect of Suzanne's life often meant she was followed to the store and her telephone conversations were taped. Suzanne had so little self-confidence she condoned her husband's actions for many years. It wasn't until, in the presence of her children, he threatened to shoot her that she realized she had to do something to change the situation. 

Fortunately, Suzanne confided in a friend who listened, really listened, and encouraged her to tell more. Through that one trusting relationship, Suzanne gathered the courage to leave her abusive husband. Taking her children with her, she found refuge at a local women's shelter. 

Suzanne's concern for the welfare of her children provided her with the motivation to change her life. Then through group meetings with other women in the "safe house," she learned her situation was not unique; she was not the only woman who suffered from feelings of guilt and humiliation. Eventually, after a long time and much patience on Suzanne's part and that of those who were helping her, Suzanne began to understand the abuse she suffered was not her fault. 

This is one of the most important messages victims of domestic violence need to hear: It is not your fault. You do not deserve to be treated in a hurtful or demeaning manner. You are created in the image of God, and His will is for us to live in harmony and peace with each other. 

If you or someone you know is enduring an abusive situation, please consider these steps: 

» Remind yourself that the abuse is nor your fault, nor do you deserve it. 

» Talk to someone you can confide in and trust—a friend, relative, pastor or doctor. If you don't know who to talk to locally, call Family Connection at 1-800-351-1001. 

» Trust your instincts. Seek help from a domestic violence shelter or a counseling agency in your community. 

Churches also need to be ready to help with situations of domestic violence. Here are some ways congregations can respond: 

» Bring the reality of domestic violence before your congregation. When the topic is avoided, victims are less likely to reach out for the help they so desperately need. 

» Acquaint people with the stresses that can trigger domestic violence. Include this information in premarital counseling. 

» Gather resources. Compile a list of local counselors and centers that deal with domestic violence and its prevention. Place information where it can be picked up discreetly. 

» Provide opportunities for those affected by domestic violence and abuse to seek help from church staff and lay people who can support them and guide them to appropriate resources. 

Yvonne K. Gatz, MSW, ACSW, is associate professor of social work at Concordia College, Bronxville, New York. 

Resources related to domestic violence 

Verbal Abuse (Dr. Grace Ketterman, Vine) helps both the sufferer and the offender learn to break destructive speech patterns, heal wounds and restore homes. 

Hope for the Wounded Heart (Dr. Dan B. Allender, NavPress) shows how sexual abuse damages the hearts of its victims, but offers hope to those who are willing to face and work through the past. 

"Surviving Sexual Abuse" (Marya McCrae, CPH) is a five-session Bible study for support groups and individuals written by a survivor of incest. 

"Domestic Violence and Abuse is Everyone's Concern," is a helpful pamphlet from LCMS Human Care Ministries. related to domestic violence 

Verbal Abuse (Dr. Grace Ketterman, Vine) helps both the sufferer and the offender learn to break destructive speech patterns, heal wounds and restore homes. 

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The Hug-up
by Janice Kerper Brauer 

"Freeze!" my six-year-old shouts. He stands two inches in front of me, an immovable object. What now? I think, anxious to hurry on to some task or another. Then he continues, "This is a hug-up!" and, throwing his arms around my waist, he squeezes me tight. 

Suddenly whatever I was about to do seems unimportant. The hug-up has done the trick. It has stopped me in my tracks, distracted me from my busy hurrying, reminded me that love matters more than anything else. 

In the day-to-day routine of family life, a little touch of love goes a long way. It can soothe ruffled nerves and calm tired hearts. It can provide a haven of comfort. It can restore the joy of simply being together. 

The next time someone you love looks a bit harried or fretful or downcast, try a hug-up. It may just work wonders. 

Family Connection gives long-distance "hug-ups" via the telephone. 

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