Journal
Fall 1998
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Is Your Home a Safe Place for Your Child?
Practical Ways for Churches to Love Kids & Their Parents
by Lori Aadsen
Last year our family had the opportunity to attend our denomination’s 150th birthday party celebration in the company of thousands. As the grand procession began, tears came to my eyes when hundreds of crosses, draped with multi-colored ribbons, came streaming from every viewpoint. Eagerly, our wide-eyed ten-year-old turned to me in excitement and said, “Mommy, I could do that!” Gabriel wanted to be more than a passive observer. He wanted to be a participant, actively engaged in the procession. Already, at this tender age, he was keenly aware of his God-given gifts and wanted to use them that very moment!
My son’s simple words, “Mommy, I could do that,” provoked some questions:
All people desire a sense of belonging. Both children and adults have an innate need to feel valued, loved and wanted. Children are already members of the body of Christ by virtue of their baptism, but often our congregations forget about the little ones until they are ready for Sunday school. The sad truth is that 67 percent of baptized children never re-enter congregational life!How can we foster the eager enthusiasm of children and involve them in every aspect of congregational life?
Intentional planning is the key to ensuring that all children are welcomed into places of grace where they see, hear, feel. touch, taste and experience God’s unconditional love. Children and their families feel included when the church conveys an attitude that says, “Children belong here!” We plan our Sunday schools, vacation Bible schools, mid-week classes, preschools and Christian day schools with children in mind. Why not plan worship, service, outreach and fellowship activities in child-friendly ways?
In most churches, the weekly worship service is the most frequent and effective opportunity for reaching families with young children. When worship is planned with the specific needs of children in the forefront, everyone benefits. Worship that uses a variety of visuals, sounds and experiences enhances the experience for both young and old. What could be more exciting than seeing children run into the church building on Sunday because they are so eager to worship? What is more exhilarating than hearing a child say, “I can’t wait until next time!”
When children are actively involved in corporate worship, they feel valued in the life of the congregation and are more likely to continue worshiping as adults. The intergenerational worship experience tells and re-tells the Biblical story, empowering children and adults for lives of faith and service together.
Children learn through sensory faith traditions that build on ritual, repetition and relationships. These traditions include liturgy, music, prayer, the exchange of peace, the sign of the cross, lighting of candles, banners, processions and more. These worship rituals speak to children in powerful ways, creating life-long foundations for faith.
A Children’s Ministry Challenge!
Involving children in all aspects of ministry can be both enriching and frightening. The question we need to ask ourselves is this: How much comfort are we willing to give up in order to make sure children are treated as members of the congregation? Children are not just little bystanders waiting to grow up to be “real” church members. Children are real members now! Welcoming children says volumes about how we do ministry in our churches and communities. A church that welcomes children is often a place that welcomes everyone!
Take bold steps this year in welcoming children into your parish ministry! Just do it! Do it today!
Lori Aadsen is Associate Director for the LCMS Department of Child Ministry, serving from her home in Houston, Texas. For practical ideas you can use in your church, order “Children are Members,” (1998, LCMS Department of Child Ministry, order # S28038, phone 314-965-9917, ext. 1289).
Is Your Home a Safe Place for Your Child?
by David J. Ludwig
Tiffany was upset. Her brother had teased her and she came running to her parents. “Brian laughed at me again,” she began with tears in her eyes.
What happened next was disaster. Dad scooped Tiffany up in his arms and yelled at his son, “Brian, get in here!” Mom looked away in disgust, knowing he would blame Brian again. She’s got him wrapped around her little finger, Mom thought in anger.
As the four gathered in the den, Mom and Dad did not look at each other. Dad directed his words at his son, “I told you never to tease your sister again,” he threatened with anger barely under control. Brian remained silent during the tongue-lashing, infuriated by the smug smile of his sister who was safe in Daddy’s arms. The scene ended as Brian stomped out of the room and Mom gave Dad an angry look. They were obviously not a team when it came to raising their children!
Such interaction only breeds more anger and resentment. Mom may even go behind Dad’s back to comfort Brian, since she feels he was unjustly criticized. Dad would feel his authority undermined. There would be war in the household when Brian became a teenager! This home is not a safe place!
Take another look at the family scene. What would happen in the same situation if there were a united front? What would happen if the parents formed a “we”?
Tiffany was upset. Her brother had teased her and she came running to her parents. “Brian laughed at me again,” she began with tears in her eyes.
What happened next almost seemed like a well-rehearsed sequence of events. Mom and Dad looked at each other with a knowing smile. Dad scooped Tiffany up in his arms and gave her a big hug. Mom called out to Brian, “Would you come here please? We would like to talk to you.”
As the four gathered in the den, Mom and Dad looked at each other again and smiled. Dad began, “We want the two of you to get along.” Mom picked up the same idea and added, “Let’s talk this over so we can learn from what just happened.” In the next few minutes, the truth came out and both children admitted doing things to the other to escalate the situation. With peace restored, Brian and Tiffany went back to what they were doing. Mom and Dad smiled as their eyes met, obviously a team when it came to raising their children!
Home is a Safe Place
This home is a safe place. When the parents form a “we,” the child experiences the security and well-being that God intended. The child’s spirit, nurtured by the love the parents have for each other, grows strong and confident.
But if the “we” breaks down, the child loses that security and his or her spirit is damaged. In fact, the child’s spirit initially reflects the relationship between the parents. If this relationship is conflicted and breaks down, the child will have to deal with inner conflict and will develop unhealthy ways of protecting self (such as trying to please everyone to keep things safe).
The “we” is a spiritual entity, formed from the “one flesh” union between husband and wife (see Ephesians 5: 31-33). It is the most powerful force within the family unit. It can stop a teenager cold! It keeps the home a safe place.
Warning: Children Come with Radar!
Parents need to realize, however, that children come with built-in radar. Their full-time job is to spot the cracks in the marriage relationship. A child will do something, then watch closely to see how the two of you react. If the “we” breaks down, the child does not have to obey! So the gift your child brings to the home is to find the problems in your relationship! Your job is to fix them and restore the “we”!
No marriage relationship is smooth and united all the time. When the “we” breaks down, the devil pushes toward blame and defensiveness—the usual reaction of the old self. But don’t despair; you have help. God’s Spirit, the Helper, pushes toward reconciliation and empowers husbands and wives to forgive each other and start again.
What can you do when the “we” breaks down and the air is filled with tension and unresolved conflict? Take a look at The Reconnection Model.
Step 1 In prayer ask God to change your heart so that you will stop blaming your spouse.
Step 2 Meditate on Ephesians 5:21: Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. Let Jesus help you put “we” above “me” so you can see the relationship as more important than your own hurt feelings.
Step 3 When there is a “right spirit” restored within you (Psalm 51:10), then send an “ally” signal to your spouse.
Step 4 Talk things through with your spouse so the “we” becomes stronger. Then home will be a safe place once more.
This is the most important gift you can give to your children. Let Christ keep your home a safe place.
David J. Ludwig, Ph.D., is a psychologist and professor at Lenoir-Rhyne College in Hickory, North Carolina.
Practical Ways for Churches to Love Kids & Their Parents
by Jennifer Baker
A great deal is being written today about the importance of families. Search Institute of Minneapolis has initiated terrific community, school and church-based projects on “Helping Kids Succeed.” Parenting programs abound in community mental health agencies. “Family friendly” is a term we now see attached to everything from the local church to the corner restaurant.
Even government officials are talking about strengthening and supporting families. Vice President Al Gore has picked up the torch for the importance of fathering. Grants are given to assist moms and dads in parenting so their kids will stay off drugs.
The one word we don’t hear much about in the public arena, however, is marriage. In fact, it has been so rarely uttered on the public agenda or in political campaigns that some have begun referring to it as the “M” word. According to Theodora Ooms, MSW, executive director of the Family Impact Seminar, a Washington-based think tank, officials who have vowed to “strengthen and support families” have left out the primary ingredient. With the focus of programs and services designed primarily to support mothers and children, Ooms contends that “the cornerstone of the family—the relationship of the couple —has been essentially ignored.” And all this is despite accumulating research indicating children do better in two-parent families.
In a recent report on her findings, Linda Waite, Ph.D., from the University of Chicago, stated what many people have suspected all along. Children in single-parent families are twice as likely to drop out of high school, an action that decreases their lifetime economic prospects and increases the likelihood they will become teenage parents. Since divorce drastically diminishes women’s financial well being, their children are far more likely to grow up poor and suffer the lack of access to the time and attention of two adults.
Another new study released this past August by Cynthia Harper of the University of Pennsylvania and Sara S. McLanahan of Princeton University reported that young men who grow up in homes without fathers are twice as likely to end up in jail as those who come from traditional two-parent families. This study traced a sample of 6,000 males aged 14-22 from 1979-1993, finding that those boys whose fathers were absent from the household had double the odds of being incarcerated—even when other factors such as race, income, parent education and urban residence were held constant.
The Church's Role
As we consider the church’s role of ministry to the family, let’s make sure we place a priority on this primary relationship as well. Yes, there are single-parent families in our midst, but if our focus is always on crisis we will miss important prevention opportunities. This, taken with the fact that many single parents remarry, should cause us to give intentional effort and energy to strengthening the marital bond. Finally, many marriage-strengthening programs are beneficial to singles as well as the married. For example, taking a parenting class can help a single parent form supportive relationships with other single parents and at the same time help a married couple parent together with less conflict.
Some Practical Ways
Jennifer Baker is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a family life educator and a frequent speaker on family life topics.
by Connie Otto
“Get away from me!”
“I don’t want to see your face!”
“If you touch me again, I’ll knock you silly!”
Conflict certainly is part of life. And there are many reasons for the disagreements: misunderstandings, unmet needs, differing opinions and values. The overly aggressive manner in which many adults and children are choosing to solve conflict today is alarming. Lashing out physically as well as verbally is an all-too-frequent response when someone is angry.
Can something be done to teach a more helpful way to manage anger and work through inevitable daily conflicts? Is peaceful problem solving needed in our Christian homes and educational settings? The answer to both questions is yes! Many educators and parents are wisely addressing this issue by setting up a “Peace Table” or “Peace Place” where adults as well as children can learn to use five steps for working through conflict.
Step 1: Cool down! Manage your anger in positive, God-pleasing ways.
In your anger, do not sin (Ephesians 4:26). This step teaches that it is acceptable to experience the God-given emotion of anger. What is important is this: How do I handle my anger in a God-pleasing, productive way so that I don’t hurt myself or someone else? Anger management techniques such as saying a prayer for self control, counting to ten, taking a deep breath or engaging in some physical activity such as jogging are just a few positive ways to cool down. Once “temper-atures” have cooled, those involved in the conflict can come back together to begin talking and listening to each other.
Step 2: Come back together to identify the problem.
He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame (Proverbs 18:13). This step involves talking and listening to each other in a calm, respectful manner, stating the problem as each person sees it. Sometimes, after a cool-down period, one or both of the parties realize they blew the conflict out of proportion or were reacting to a hidden agenda.
Step 3: Collect all the facts about the problem. Attack the problem, not each other.
Understanding is a fountain of life to those who have it, but folly brings punishment to fools. A wise man’s heart guides his mouth and his lips promote instruction (Proverbs 16:22-23). This step is a continuation of the talking and listening that was begun in Step 2. More facts are added about thoughts and feelings related to the conflict so that each person can try to see the situation from the other’s point of view.
Step 4: Brainstorm solutions.
Turn from evil and do good, seek peace and pursue it (Psalm 14:14). Most adults and children feel there is only one way to solve conflict—my way! What a delight it is to see individuals brainstorming numerous possibilities for resolution. All solutions are accepted during this step.
Step 5: Try to reach a solution.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God (Matthew 5:9). In this step, disputants eliminate undesirable options and try to reach a workable agreement. Often, words of forgiveness are spoken during the process.
The benefits of teaching these skills include:
Connie Otto is Elementary Program Coordinator at the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse—St. Louis Area. She is the author of “Getting Along,” a grade-school curriculum that teaches communication, anger management and problem-solving skills.
Parental Assistance Recommended
by Dave Wesche
Before you read any further, stop and make a list of the high points in your faith life. Think about the events and the people God has used to impact your relationship with Him. Are your high points event-focused or people-focused? Are they family-based or church-based?
In today’s church, many youth ministries have assumed the solitary role of youth shaper (either by the desire of flaming expertise or out of necessity from parental abdication) with an emphasis on programs/activities. Ask yourself, “Who should be responsible to develop and nurture young people in their relationships to God and to others?”
Search Institute has done some marvelous studies in the area of youth development, especially as it relates to the church. From the research, Search has identified 40 developmental assets—positive experiences and qualities young people need to grow to be responsible, caring, healthy and faithful adults. Among the assets are a number that directly relate to the church’s role; yet even more assets involve the function of the family.
Scripture reminds us of the parents’ role as faith shapers. Look up Deuteronomy 6:4-9, Proverbs 22:6, Joshua 24:14-15, Ephesians 6:4 and 2 Timothy 3:14-17. Because God commands the family to be an active agent in faith formation, the church needs to enlist or reinvolve the family in youth ministry. Congregational youth ministries should assist (not replace) the family in shaping and nurturing young people during their developmental years. Let’s give the responsibility back to the parents and empower them with opportunities that will enhance young people’s growth.
Coloring Outside the Lines
What we need cannot be captured with just a parent/youth Bible class on teen relations or family communication. We need to get away from the knowledge-based mode—open brain cavity, pour in knowledge, shake vigorously! George Barna expressed in a
1997 seminar that the church will need to follow a new set of rules:
Begin to think in creative, affective, life-applicable terms. Get nontraditional. Create learning situations where parents and youth work together, plan some specific activity together and then do it together.
So, like a typical Lutheran, you may ask, “What does this mean?” How about …
Lifestyle, Not Fad or Fashion
Dorothy Jean Furnish states in Rethinking Christian Education that faith is more strongly influenced when Bible study, service projects and daily devotions are done as a family than if they are done individually. And you don’t need to limit these activities to junior high or high school families. Develop your “youth” ministry to encompass even younger children. This will help families develop habits and lifestyles in which the home and the church work together as faith shapers.
Dave Wesche is Minister of Home-Centered Education and Assimilation at Timothy Lutheran Church in Woodstock, Georgia.
by Michael Fischer
His name is Matt. He is a 19-year-old college sophomore, studying to be a Lutheran school teacher. During this past summer, he spent his time either working in a department store, going out with friends or just sleeping. The door to his room was usually shut. Only on a dare would his parents open it. If they did, they would be appalled by the clothes “drifts” scattered about. When approached about the condition of his room, Matt offered the fact that, if cleaned, it would only get messy again.
Matt would also not take kindly to being placed in the same category as his younger brothers. In his opinion, he was an adult. He was only a “visitor” at his parents’ home. And he did not need to be reminded to perform certain tasks.
Conversations at home were short and structured. Yet when Matt was with friends, he exhibited a metamorphosis. The young man became animated and gregarious; conversations were free-flowing and lengthy.
“What happened to the son we sent off to college?” his parents wondered.
Does this sound familiar? How could the son these parents raised seemingly forget his family and be so detached? How could he show lack of concern for the condition of his room? Why would he not listen to his parents? Where did the parents go wrong? Or did they?
About 2,000 years ago, another set of parents experienced similar feelings. After making a long trip and celebrating an annual festival, these parents became worried because their son had not joined them on the trip home. When confronted about not showing consideration for His parents’ feelings, His answer showed that He and His mother were obviously not on the same page. Yes, Jesus was “about His Father’s business,” but did that mean He should forget His parents?
I suppose Jesus and Matt were no different than any young person who, according to his or her culture, is leaving the nest. Did they forget the lessons they learned from their parents? I think not. Did they each have their own focus and own sense of direction? Yes, indeed! Have their parents become unnecessary to their lives? Definitely not! The love is the same or stronger; only the need is different.
It is difficult for parents when children leave the nest. In the process, many parents do not remember that there are different stages of the relationship they have with their children. Leaving the nest is, in fact, one small part.
Today, many people are writing personal mission statements. By imitating what organizations do, people are contemplating their purpose or mission in life, looking at the full life span, not only the 20 or so years of child rearing. Concerns about children leaving the nest can be minimized by realizing there is a larger purpose for your time on earth.
- Writing Your Personal Mission Statement
- Pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit.
- Be short and succinct. Keep your statement to two or three sentences.
- Use action words.
When you have completed this process, you may wish to write down some specific goals that more clearly address how you will accomplish your personal mission. These goals should be reviewed at least every week, if not every day. Target areas and people for these goals would include your Lord; your spouse; your children; your gifts, talents and skills; your earthly treasures.
Place your statement in a conspicuous spot as a reminder of your personal mission. And don’t forget the goals, for they provide the substance of the mission.
Leaving the nest? That is not an issue anymore for Matt’s mother and me. We are confident we have a clear personal (and joint) mission for what we are to do as God’s chosen people. We just happen to be parents of three boys who some day will all leave the nest.
Michael Fischer is the Western Regional Vice-President for the LCMS Foundation. He and his family live in Phoenix, Arizona.
This page of LFA Journal is sponsored by the LCMS Foundation. To contact a local gift planning counselor, contact the LCMS Foundation: 1-800-325-7912.
by Ben F. Freudenburg
Family friendly churches are offering intergenerational training events that equip homes to be the center of faith formation.
A single mom called and thanked me for shaping a VBS program—“Space Mission Camp”—into a Sunday morning intergenerational event for families. “I needed time to be with my boys, so we chose the option of being a family flight crew,” she said. “Time at church as a family provided a way for us to grow in our relationships and in our faith. It was perfect—just what we needed.”
“Give Me 5” is an intergenerational event designed to reclaim the family dinner hour as a teaching tool in the home. “Give Me 5” equips the home for modeling and teaching the faith, and it gives parents a consistent arena for pruning inappropriate behaviors. Some comments our congregation received about “Give Me 5” included “This event was so powerful in our lives as a family” … “Because we did this together at church, we can all go home and continue using what we learned at our next family meal” … “Dining regularly as a family is a must!”
Family friendly churches deliberately train parents to be powerful models of the faith in their homes, teachers of the faith in every moment of family life and “pruners”—clipping inappropriate behavior in each other to produce positive, godly conduct.
One way family friendly churches can be at their best is when they help families through intergenerational training events, partnering with the home in nurturing the faith.
Ben F. Freudenburg is Minister to the Christian Home at Concordia Lutheran Church, Kirkwood, Missouri. Portions of this article appear in the November/ December 1998 issue of Vital Ministry, a magazine for church leaders, Group Publishing, Loveland, Colorado. Used with permission.
Fall 1998
LFA Journal
Executive Director Jim Schlie
Editor Janice Kerper Brauer
Design & Production Lois
Schroeder
Contributing Editor David Ludwig
LFA Journal is published Lutheran Family Association, a Recognized Service Organization of The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod.
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