Journal

Summer 1998

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Articles:

Inside This Issue

Male & Female

The Sandwich Generation

Building the Support Structure for Family Relationships

Men and Family Ministry

A Will is a Statement of Commitment

Ready or Not: Aging Issues are Family Issues

Inside this issue …

Because people are continually growing and changing, family ministry is an ever-expanding area. This issue of LFA Journal explores family ministry by life stages. You’ll find insights and ideas for ministering to the sandwich generation (page 3), to men (page 5), to older adults (page 8). Page 4 introduces an innovative model to help congregations build a structure that supports healthy families. And our feature article looks at an age-old source of wonder and confusion in families—male and female differences.

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MALE & FEMALE
He Created Them

by Eunice Otte

“Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” lamented a frustrated Professor Higgins in “My Fair Lady.” I suspect if there had been a Ms. Professor Higgins she would have sung, “Why can’t a man be more like a woman?” Novels are written, plays win Academy Awards, sitcoms are uproariously funny and self-help books sell millions all by focusing on the same questions: Are men and women really different? How? How are they the same? Do we need to know? 

I believe we do need to know if we want to improve communication between the sexes and minister effectively to all. Recent research using the Positron emissions tomography (PET) machine, which enables researchers to catch the brain in the act of thinking, feeling and remembering, has shown that men’s and women’s brains actually work differently. 

For this research, men and women volunteers were wired to PET. As words were flashed on a screen, the volunteers were to pick out words that rhyme. A monitor displayed in red the area of the brain that was being used. For men the area immediately above the left eyebrow lit up, indicating the left hemisphere was hard at work. Women’s brains lit up in the same area. However, for almost two-thirds of the women the space immediately behind the right eyebrow also showed activity. (The left hemisphere processes language; the right processes emotions.) Researchers concluded women use words not only to convey thoughts and ideas but also to communicate feelings.

As a man have you ever thought, “Why does she have to be so emotional when she talks?” Or as a woman have you said, “Why can’t he show any feelings?” I couldn’t help thinking about these differences as I sat at my favorite French bakery recently and a middle-aged couple walked in. In front of them was a small table displaying several loaves of bread. Listen in on their conversation as I did.

“Oh look at that bread!” she says with enthusiasm. “It looks wonderful! Don’t you think so?”

His head nods slightly, but his body moves not an inch.

She continues, “How interesting! Listen to the ingredients.” She reads them out loud.

This time he moves his eyes.

She is still trying for an emotional response and says with even more intensity, “Wouldn’t it make delicious toast for breakfast? What do you think?”

Of course that is exactly what he is doing—thinking. And he says, “Do you know what you’re going to order?”

Then they realize I am eavesdropping, and we all laugh. Emotional versus unemotional. Not bad, just different.

In the next part of the research study, both the male and female volunteers watched pictures of sad events. Here the limbic brain (the place of raw emotions) glowed with activity for both sexes. Men, however, stayed in this brain area for a shorter amount of time and then shifted into the left hemisphere where goal-oriented thinking takes place. It’s as though they thought, I’ve been sad long enough; now it is time to move on. Women had a very different pattern. The actual area of brain activity was eight times larger and much more intense than the men’s. Not only did the women feel sorrow much longer, it was also more painful.

Perhaps that helps explain why women often think their spouses don’t really feel sorrow or, worse yet, don’t care. “They just want to move on,” women complain. Not true. Men do feel sorrow, but because they may be uncomfortable with intense emotions they do want to move on. It’s a necessary survival skill. Men, on the other hand, think their wives are too sad for too long. God’s plan: Someone needs to grieve, and someone needs to move on.

Another interesting difference between the sexes is that the bundle of nerves or bridge (corpus collosum) between the left and right hemispheres is narrower for men. Because of the wider and perhaps more accessible pathway, women have constant left brain-right brain chitchat. By racing back and forth between the two sides of the brain, a woman can cook dinner, make baby formula, talk on the phone and know what the kids are doing in the back room. Meanwhile the husband is watching TV with his less distractible brain, oblivious to what is going on in the rest of the house. This is not wrong, only different. Healthy relationships honor and negotiate such differences.

In summary, women need to talk, to be heard, to be understood. When that happens, they feel loved and cherished. As they talk things through, they often discover their own solutions.

Men want to fix and problem solve. When that happens, they feel appreciated and loved. Men can’t imagine anyone just talking about something without wanting a solution. When men discuss a problem with a buddy, they expect that friend to offer some solutions.

Our basic needs are the same—to be loved, cherished, respected and appreciated. Our differences have to do with how we get those needs met. Genesis 1:27 says, God created man in His own image … male and female He created them. Different? Yes. The same? Yes. Interesting? Yes. Maddening? Sometimes. What a creative God!

Eunice Otte, M.S., is a therapist who does counseling, telephone coaching and consulting in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also a frequent seminar and retreat speaker on male-female differences.

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The Sandwich Generation

When is it my Fault

by Barbara Brunworth

Twenty-five years ago women’s magazines directed articles to women whose identity was founded in their children. The concern was that when the children left home, these women would not know what to do with themselves. Many women wrote back to the editors saying, “Don’t worry about me. I can’t wait until I have the freedom to do as I want!”

The reality is that many women never have freedom from caregiving. Three-quarters of the nearly 7 million people who are caregivers to elderly relatives and friends are women. A third of all women will spend an average of ten years caring for a parent, spouse or in-law. Some are caring for both children and another relative at the same time, and they feel caught in the middle. They’re called the Sandwich Generation. Some say the term is particularly appropriate because they feel everyone gets a bite of them. They long for that relic from the past called the empty nest. They ask, “When is it my turn?” 

Dianne entered my office and sat down. She told me she was experiencing depression. Dianne had quit her job and spent the last six months helping her parents make the transition to an assisted living facility. Then suddenly her mother died, and her father now needs more attention than ever. Dianne also has a ten-year-old son. She needs to go back to work; they need the money.

Like Dianne, many caregivers report that the emotional costs of caregiving are high. They struggle with anger, guilt, grief, resentment, hopelessness, anxiety and depression. Raising children has the expectation of growing independence. Caring for a frail, elderly parent is the opposite. One can expect more and more dependence. Yet caregivers who do not become overwhelmed, offer this advice:

• Listen to your spouse, children, friends. They may see signs of burnout before you do.

• Let go. You have limitations. Allow others to help you. Delegate responsibilities. 

• Learn relaxation techniques. Garden, read a good book, sew, nap, go to a movie.

• Take care of your physical health. Eat wisely. Exercise. Do not use alcohol to cope with stress. 

• Keep a daily “burnout log.” Record events that are stressful. Then evaluate the situation and weigh possible solutions.

• Help your loved one find a support group and find one for yourself.

• Cling to God’s promise to always be there for you and to be strong when you are weak.

What can the Christian community do to help? Conduct a fact-finding survey of community resources and appoint someone to help those entering into the caregiver role. Form support groups for caregivers from your congregation or join with other congregations to do so. Search out “angels” who would be willing to relieve caregivers from their tasks for awhile. Include caregivers in the prayers for the days. Knowing they’re not invisible and that others understand means a lot.

Barbara Brunworth, Ph.D., is a therapist at Lutheran Counseling Services in Dallas, Texas. She recommends the resources on page 4 for those in the Sandwich Generation.

Resources for the Sandwich Generation

Helping Yourself Help Others— 

A book for Caregivers

Rosalynn Carter and Susan K. Golant

The Sandwich Generation: Adult Children Caring for Aging Parents 

Charles Root

How to Care for Aging Parents 

Virginia Morris

Baby Boomers’ Guide to Caring for Aging Parents 

Bart Astor

1-800-677-1116: Elder Care Locator number that will give you local telephone numbers of places to assist you.

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Building the Support Structure for Family Relationships

by David J. Ludwig

Search Institute, in conjunction with Lutheran Brotherhood, has developed a research model to help communities raise healthy children. Key to this model is the concept of “assets.” Search has identified 40 assets or building blocks of healthy development so that young people can grow up healthy, caring and responsible. These assets are divided into 20 external assets (such as positive family communication, service to others and youth programs) and 20 internal assets (such as honesty, responsibility and sense of purpose).

The last ten assets were just developed, so in their research Search used the original 30 assets, which grew out of the developmental literature. Findings include that 51 percent of youth with 0-10 assets are sexually active compared to 7 percent of youth with 26-30 assets. Similarly, 44 percent of youth with less than 10 assets report problem alcohol usage compared to 3 percent of youth with 26-30 assets. In relationship to violence and anti-social activity, 51 percent of those with less than 10 assets showed such behavior as compared to 5 percent of those with 26-30 assets.

The national program, “Healthy Communities: Healthy Youth,” initiates asset-building activities within communities. Lutheran Family Association, with help from Search Institute and Lutheran Brotherhood, is adapting this model to our work in family ministry within congregations. This fall LFA will host training sessions in 25 locations where church professionals and lay people can come together to develop a vision and model for family ministry. These sessions will focus on the support structure each family unit needs to be healthy and vibrant. Our long-term goal is to develop a literature and research basis for the elements of the support structure that make for healthy families. Perhaps we will find that families with 26-30 supports are much less likely to divorce, be abusive or engage in addictive behaviors than families with 0-10 supports.

We are dividing the support structure into three categories: 1. home support (strengths derived from family habits and traditions) 2. faith support (strengths derived from a relationship with God) and 3. church support (strengths derived from a healthy congregation).

Following is a tentative version of the model. The individual items in the model are only conceptual at this point and will be refined through feedback from the training sessions and a thorough search of the family literature. Notice that the model forms a cross, indicating God’s grace is central—the affirmation of the gospel is the starting point for personal and family wholeness. Also notice that The Reconnection Model, which focuses on the work of Christ within the heart, is an integral part of this new model.

David J. Ludwig, Ph.D. is a psychologist and professor at Lenoir-Ryne College in Hickory, North Carolina.

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Men and Family Ministry

by Harry Krupsky

American men are one of the world’s most massive pagan subcultures. Consider George Barna’s research findings regarding men in America as reported in the January/February 1997 issue of New Man:

• For every man who worships, three do not. 
• One of three men in America embrace Christ as Savior; 60 million men are relying upon other means for their salvation. 
• Since 1991 Bible reading, Sunday school attendance, volunteering at church and donating to church have all decreased among males who attend church. 

• Forty men in worship for every 60 women. 
• Men under the age of 40 have very poor worship attendance. 
• Women outnumber the men in Bible studies. 
• Women give more of their time and talents in ministry than men. 

1. Prayer is the igniter.

Churches that are reaching men for Christ all attest that this ministry began with prayer. Prayer preceded decision and action. It may have begun with a pastor, staff member, lay leader or small group of men. Then, as the ministry developed and moved out, prayer remained as the key activity of the leadership.

2. Relationships are the practical component.

Bulletin advertisements, mailings and phone calls are not what bring men into the ministry. But when a man invites a friend, this relational connection is used by God to touch lives.

3. The “point” is clearly defined.

Barna found that “most unchurched men believe that involvement with a church does not offer any value to their lives.” At our church we interviewed fathers of our Sunday school children. We chose fathers who did not worship regularly or participate in other areas. We heard Barna’s findings in their words, and we found a mission field right among the dads of our Sunday school children. They were asking the question, “What would I possibly get out of a men’s ministry?” That’s why we needed to clearly define the “point” of this ministry. How would it benefit the men? 

As prayers were lifted before God’s throne of grace, the men’s ministry leadership team concluded that the focus of men’s ministry is not to make a man more lovable. Christ already loves each man far more than any of us will ever comprehend. But by helping a man growing in faith, he will become more useable for God. So the vision for the ministry is: no man should walk alone! 

To carry out that vision, we try to stand alongside men in developing a closer walk with Jesus Christ. In our discipleship of men, we encourage them to:

• Read God’s Word and pray daily. 
• Worship—experience God in Word and Sacrament 
• Be accountable—have at least one Christian mentor and/or Promise Keeper to provide encouragement and accountability. 
• Use time and talents to serve the Lord. 

Men tend to move toward activity before discussion, sports before seminars and accomplishment before personal reflection. So in planning the ministry we keep asking ourselves, “Where do men naturally gravitate?” For example:

• A breakfast where men can bring their children and hear a Christian athlete share his faith would be more appealing than an all-day seminar on being a Christian dad. 
• A weekly evening basketball night with a Biblically-oriented, prayer-focused half-time will reach men where the live. 
• A men’s retreat with golf before the seminar would help men break the ice with one another. 
• Men’s small groups that are ministry focused (do music together, visit prison, go on short-term mission trips, visit the sick, usher together, work on church property) and that are led by men who are committed to the vision disciple other men through relationships based on God’s Word. 

Harry Krupsky is Minister of Family Life at Faith Lutheran Church in Troy, Michigan.

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A Will is a Statement of Commitment

by Philip Meinzen

Lifetime commitments also endure after life. Families who understand this reality give and receive blessings that span the generations.

Five generations ago, my great-great-grandfather, who was an undertaker in the “old world,” became estranged from active church life before he came to America. While standing on a street corner in Fort Wayne, Indiana, in the mid 1800s, a Lutheran pastor had enough commitment to strike up a conversation with this lowly commoner. The impression caused him to attend church. More than 150 years later, I am the beneficiary of a heritage of four ancestral Lutheran pastors. Among this heritage is a combined 97 years of missionary service in India where I was born. 

Christian families can express commitment both during and after their earthly lives. One way to do this is by writing a will and estate plan that applies Christian caring thought, faith and love. Your will or revocable trust can begin with a preamble that shares spiritual blessings with your loved ones, assures them you are confident of a reunion in heaven and encourages them to put their trust and confidence in God alone. 

Despite the many good reasons to have a will, statistics show that less than half Americans have taken the time to write a will. Excuses fluctuate from not wanting to face the issue to not understanding the need and benefits to procrastination. Regardless which rationale is used, the implications and risks for those left behind could be ominous. Here are a few facts to consider:

• Your will names people you select to represent you. Your personal representative or executor (executrix) takes care of matters on your behalf. If you don’t nominate someone, you take the chance that someone you wouldn’t want involved might be appointed by a probate judge. 
• If your plan involves trusts, a trustee of your choosing can save time and cost. If funded, trusts can avoid probate and keep your matters more private. 
• When minor children are involved, Christian guardians can be selected to fulfill your highest commitments and values. 
• Your beneficiaries should receive an amount you deem appropriate. This can be a blessing stamped with the legacy of Christ’s love and the memory of commitment. 
• Even though each circumstance is unique, you prayerfully evaluate what will reflect God’s commitment and glorify Him. 

Estate planning offers a marvelous opportunity to direct to Christian ministries the dollars you can’t keep. Your material resources can be dedicated for spiritual purposes. You can demonstrate your faith commitment through action that will benefit others in Christ.

Life and love and everything we have are gifts from God. The resolve to manage His blessings with His commitment is also a gift of God. The LCMS Foundation is committed to serving you and your chosen advisors privately and without charge. Our work is to make your Christian gift planning process as joyful as your intention. 

Philip Meinzen serves in southern Wisconsin as a Senior Gift Planning Counselor with The LCMS Foundation.

This page of LFA Journal is sponsored by the LCMS Foundation. To contact a local gift planning counselor, contact the LCMS Foundation: 1-800-325-7912. 

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Ready or Not: Aging Issues Are Family Issues

by Betsy Nagel

In Scripture living to an old age is regarded as a particular blessing. Honor your father and mother ... that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth (Ephesians 6:2-3). How can we in the church recover that blessing for people in our day, when old age is not always so regarded? 

For thousands of years, people have been striving to live longer, looking forward to the blessings and rewards of old age. But for 99 percent of human history, according to social scientist, gerontologist and author of Age Wave, Dr. Ken Dychtwald, the average age remained the same: 18. By the time of America’s Revolutionary War, it had risen to 26. By the Civil War, it was 36. By 1900, it was 45. At that time, Americans over 65 comprised only 4 percent of the population. People didn’t retire; they died! Today Americans over 65 comprise 12 percent of the population. Eight out of ten zoom past 65. Life expectancy is 75, and most older adults expect to live into their 80s and beyond. No one realized this in the 1930s, of course, when 65 was selected as the age when Social Security payments begin. But as we’ve all learned, the future ain’t what it used to be.

Neither are our churches. With both LCMS and ELCA congregations having 16 to 18 percent of their members over 65 (and with many reporting more than 30 percent), we need to examine not only how we are ministering to this fastest growing segment of our population but how we are intentionally working to break down the hurtful and unproductive age divisions that characterize many congregations. 

Churches are probably the only intergenerational institutions open seven days a week. Yet once in the door, are worshippers truly gathered as one or are they splintered into four or five different age groups who don’t really know each other, understand each other or enjoy each other? Following are some suggestions you can experiment with at your congregation to help older adults and incorporate them more fully into the family of faith.

* Involve people of all ages in the worship service as readers, ushers, communion assistants, etc.

* Include all appropriate ages in intergenerational prayer chains.

• Plan some issue-oriented Bible studies so people of different generations can share their experiences and insights. 
• Provide opportunities for older adults to interact with Sunday school or day school children as mentors, readers, tutors, classroom helpers or adopted grandparents. 
• Open your church building to support groups dealing with Alzheimer’s, grief, mental health, or alcohol and drug abuse. 

Summer 1998

LFA Journal

Executive Director Jim Schlie 
Editor Janice Kerper Brauer
Design & Production Lois Schroeder 
Contributing Editor David Ludwig

LFA Journal is published Lutheran Family Association, a Recognized Service Organization of The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod.

Copyright 1998 Lutheran Family Association 
No part of this publication may be reproduced without prior permission from LFA.

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